Hunters give Positive Reenforcement; Gatherers give Negative Reenforcement

Ah finally, a moment to do some writing AND I remembered what I've been wanting to blog about but kept forgetting.

In my house, we have a reference to bursting someone's thought balloon. You know that moment when you think of something you want to say, so you open your mouth and suddenly that thought just utterly vanishes and you're left completely blank? Yeah, that's a thought balloon being popped. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves, and sometimes someone else says something and pops that thought balloon for us. All that just to say that every time I had a spare moment to write, the thought balloon with the contents for this post went poof.

Until today.

On Allison's website she has two short video clips which are hugely important: How to Change Women and How to NOT Change Men. Before I talk about my experiences with this information, let me share another background idea that she talks about which I have learned over the years is VERY true.

Gatherers, as a general rule, have a less strict sense of Self than Hunters. What does this mean? Gatherers are malleable, flexible, and capable of becoming what their loved ones require based on the needs of the moment. They'll put their own needs and wants aside, often for decades, because they have to. It's native to the Gatherer mindset, and our society depends on it. Example: women have the capacity to become what their children need, then shift to become what their bosses needs, then shift again to become what their spouses need. I've said and heard a HUGE number of women talk about "loosing themselves" in relationships, but I can't recall ever once hearing a Hunter make that statement. I recall in my own youth that I was pretty much putty, forgetting my own needs in favor of those I was emotionally attached to. Over the years that has slowly stopped being the case, but I think that's a product of age and experience and the expectations of our society. I'm looking around me at the younger late teens and into their early 30s women that I know and I marvel at how many of them completely lose touch with themselves - their own desires, needs and wants. Eventually they all wake up, but it's exceedingly common that women do this. With this in mind, I can completely buy the idea that Gatherers indeed have a more flexible sense of Self than Hunters.

With this in mind, how then does a Gatherer get another Gatherer to change? It's very easy - criticize. Gatherers, by and large, want to fit in with the group. With a flexible sense of self, it's easy to absorb a lot of criticism and just bend to accommodate. The example in the video mentions a Hunter telling his Gatherer  that "blue is not your color", with the outcome being that she'll never EVER wear blue around that Hunter again. Of course, I will add that a Gatherer is only motivated to listen when the speaker is someone that she cares about or is in some way attached to. If she doesn't care about the speaker, then who care if he thinks blue is unappealing on her?

For the sake argument, let's assume that the Gatherer is with people that she cares about.

If Gatherers use criticism to change other Gatherers, what do you think will be the logical tool that would be reached for when a Gatherer wants to change a Hunter?

Yup, she'll reach for criticism. Why? Because people in general assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do. So a Gatherer will assume that a Hunter will think and react like a Gatherer, and then be very hurt and upset when he doesn't! "You should have just KNOWN that!" is a statement which springs from the very heart of this bad assumption.

Let me now turn to Hunters, who don't generally have a flexible sense of Self. Just as with Gatherers, the older a Hunter gets the more inflexible he's willing to be, so the most flexible you'll ever find is a young Hunter. He may still be trying to figure out Who He Is, but at the same time I've never heard a man say he just lost himself for any length of time while in a relationship. You'll get a blank stare of unrecognition or a snort of absurdity from Hunters at this idea.

Given this stronger sense of Self, how does a Hunter react to criticism? Not very well, and then both Hunter and Gatherer are frustrated with the other.

With this background, I started listening to word choices of those around me. I noticed that most Gatherers tended to be somewhat negative. Say something and if there is ANY way that a statement could be taken negatively, it would be. The younger a Gatherer is, the worse this tendency. From that, I formulated that the more elastic her idea of herself is, or the more insecure with her position in the world that she is, the more likely this is to happen. She's LOOKING for criticism, so she can use it to shape herself into what the group will accept. Granted, this often comes with tears and drama as well.

Then I started listening to Hunters, and I noticed that if something could be taken even remotely positively, they did so! Again, the older they are the most likely this is to happen, and I'd expect that the reasoning of more secure in Self and Society he is the more this will be.

I listened to Hunters interacting and it was fascinating. No criticism, ever. UNLESS one specifically turns to another and says "dude, I'm not getting it and I recognize you're an expert on this, ideas?" Hunters will INVITE criticism only from someone they look up to and respect, and as such will then listen to criticism with the assumption that it's offered with the best possible intention. Without that invitation, however, the criticism is seen as an attempt to demonstrate the ways in which he's failing. Since he didn't ASK for that, he knows he's not failing and so the criticism is largely ignored.

Gatherers, however, rarely have anything nice to say to each other. When there is a compliment, it's usually either backhanded or comes with claws or has some other motive. The more insecure the Gatherers as a group are, the uglier this gets. But they are listening to every barb and insult and false positive, because that's 'their' crowd and they have to figure out how to fit in and survive. The more secure the Gatherers are in terms of Self and Society, the less this negativity is the case.

Now that I'd gathered the evidence for Alison's stories as well as my own observations, I went into the testing phase. Now, when a Hunter says something to me, I actively work to take it in the BEST possible way, assume that his intentions are golden goodness. That especially includes things like "that shirt isn't as flattering as it could be." Instead of running off to my room crying before I burn the shirt, or going on the offensive and demanding an explanation, I'm working to assume he's trying to be helpful for my own best good. I can say, it's done WONDERS for my overall outlook as well as make me much safer for him to share his thoughts with.

I'm also working to be aware of my audience, and not criticize Hunters anymore. If I want them to change, I'll instead really applaud the positives that I was overjoyed with. He takes out the trash and I give him a huge smile and a hug and a sincere thank you and believe me, he now looks for opportunities to get that reaction out of me again. I've learned that if I want to change my Hunter, I have to encourage all those things he does which I like by reacting with sincere happiness.

Have you ever heard a Hunter say "I just want to make you happy"? That's what motivates him -- my happiness. If all I do is criticize, then clearly I'm not happy. That means, in his mind, he's failing to do the one thing he really wants to. Now that I recognize the truth in that statement, have seen it in others, and experienced the results of my tests, I'd highly recommend that Gatherers change their tactics to something that actually works. Besides, it's MUCH nicer to be happy and take things constructively than the alternative.

-          Lioness (in training)

Emotional Awareness and What I Can Do For Me

I find it ironic that just last month I did a post on insecurity, only this month to find myself staring it in the face. Every time a situation changes, that means the triggers change. Where before I felt secure, suddenly I am no longer sure.

Fortunately, perhaps because of the post so recently, I was able to identify the source of my destructive behavior and put a stop to it before it morphed into something truly ugly. But catching such things does not automatically mean they go away. The absolute worst thing possible is to pretend that insecurity doesn't affect me. The very idea of "pretend it's not there" is tantamount to giving a toddler a loaded gun. The situation will not end well.

So how does one go about dismantling insecurity rather than denying or supressing it? I would argue that emotional awareness is the biggest ally we can have. Being aware of how we feel, TRULY and honestly feel, can alert us to things long before they become a problem. Being so aware can also give perspective. For example, I know that for me I always spiral into a mini-depression 2 days before my cycle starts.

EEEW!

Yes, I went there. Let's be real. Women are emotionally jerked around by their hormones to a terrifyingly high degree. When that is not recognized, or given validity, or minimized and ridiculed, this gives these hormonal driven emotions free reign to be a complete ass. Those women who use PMS as excuses to justify behaving like total bitches make me grind my teeth in fury. PMS justifies nothing, and yes, I recognize fully that it's a valid condition.

Awareness is the key. How do these tie together? I've been working with some friends to help them become aware of how their emotional outlook is affected by their physical condition. Does tiredness increase a tendency toward irritability or depression or other? Does ovulation increase emotional fragility or libido? Does eating high sugar foods lead to anger?

If I'm aware of how much my body is directly influencing how I feel, I can put responses into perspective. Let's return to the example of the mini-depression. If someone just happens to say something on this day which could in any way be construed as a negative comment, it gets blown all out of proportion. I used to act on that, not being aware that my response to the situation was wildly inappropriate, and as a result caused all sorts of needless tension and drama. Now, I'm keenly aware of my body and the relationship between how I physically feel and how I emotionally feel are related. With this awareness, I can take a breath, despite the rioting depression, and say I'm going to have to get a good night's sleep and re-examine this situation in the morning.

That said, let's return to the concept of PMS. It's very real, and I say that the emotions it brings to the surface are equally real. What I think it does is magnify things. Biologically speaking, that part of the female cycle is a 'cleaning house' in preparation for a new cycle. That it hormonally drags to the surface all those emotions that we'd like to pretend aren't there also make sense from the 'cleaning house' perspective. "Hey, found all this trash in the basement here. Get rid of it." And women, especially those who are emotional unaware, go nuts. Erratic behavior, violence, verbal viciousness. Yick.  And they laugh it off as "just PMS". No. It's not. PMS just augments what's already there. By A LOT. Find yourself acting violent, or extremely controlling, or 'uncharacteristically' jealous, or anything like that? That's a wake up call. Take it. Wake up. Become aware of what's going on. The kind of Lioness I want to be a deliberate one, taking actions inspired by choices made.

Again, awareness is the key. So how am I going to use my long history of emotional awareness to address this instance of insecurity? Listen for the triggers. Acknowledge those little pings in the moment they happen. Examine them. Understand the relationship between how I'm interpreting the situation and what else is going on. Mainly, I need to change the way I see the situation which is inciting it. I can choose to change the way I see something. It's beautiful! And it takes only a moment to decide that something can go from being A Threat to being An Inspiration. Being equally aware of my hormonal reality means I help maintain the Inspiration perspective, rather than letting the response devolve into the Threat level. It's my choice, and my power to make that decision. I can only do this if I am aware and honest with myself.

Here's something most folks don't like to know. Insecurity has nothing to do anyone other than the individual it is affecting. It cannot be blamed on anyone else. Cannot be cured by anyone else. I have to own it, be aware of it, and then engage it. I have to engage the foundations behind why this or that makes feel insecure, makes me feel as if I have to defend myself. Awareness is the best tool in my arsenal to help me defuse and dismantle this emotional time bomb.

My vision of the Lioness is one of emotional security, one of complete self-possession. She knows fully who she is, what she's capable of and not, and accepts herself while still challenging herself to strive for better. The Lioness is not immune to self-doubt or occasional insecurity -- but she does not allow such emotions to make her into their puppet.

- Lioness (in training)

Strength and Vulnerability

Back in this post, I talked about The Wall which served to keep out most everything -- even the things that I'd like to actually get.

I'm one of these people whose body will express for me all those emotions that I don't want to express, or don't recognize. For years now, I've had problems with acid reflux and a chronic inability to clear my throat. I describe the reflux in terms of "I'm trying to swallow something which I just can't digest, and so the body is physically responding by producing more acid." That resonates as "correct" to me. Every time an emotional subject is broached, my throat literally shuts and I can't speak for a few moments, or the amount of crap in my throat instantly doubles and I end up coughing to no avail. It's like that metaphorical wall has become a physical situation, and if I continue to choose to ignore it or think it's normal for me (and therefore unimportant), it will only get worse.

I've been considering: how can I break down this wall? Then a thought popped into my head. I think this wall is made up of all the unshed tears, all the swallowed or unexpressed anger, and all the pain and heartbreak which I have experienced over a lifetime. I'm sure the mortar is full of thoughts which begin like "I shouldn't/should..." and "nice girls don't/do..." or "good girls are/aren't..."

From here, I realized that I need to express all those things I've refused to recognize. To get it out and finally let it all go. Egad! That's almost 40 years worth of denial and repression! The very thought scares me. I don't want to be an emotional basket case! I know that starting this process means inflicting my instability on the household - something I'm exceedingly reticent to do despite my husband now asking to see it. Even just thinking about it has my throat literally burning as I fight to keep all this mess contained. It's a terrifying prospect, but I also recognize that the limits are being reached already. My body is telling me "enough", especially judging by the amount of antacid I'm consuming and the near constant coughing that has no medical basis. I am horrified to find myself crying at sappy commercials with increasing frequency (note the 'horrified' response at uncontrollable emotional outbursts).

I know, deep down, this is something that I not only must do, but will do. That said, I am wondering about the timeline. Should I start now? Or wait until I have the house to myself in the afternoons? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of anger making up that wall, and if I feel like screaming or smashing things then I don't want to alarm the household. I need to feel free to express the emotions which belong to long past events. Concern for others will hamper this process, defeating it because I'll still be editing them.

I like to think of things this way: I cannot build on faulty foundations. The old, the broken, the unsound must first be cleared away. Only then can I start to search for my own Truth, for my genuine Strength.

The biggest impediment to all of this, to the goal of breaking down that Wall, is me. Bluntly put, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to ask for help. Why? Afraid of being seen as weak? As vulnerable? Or afraid of the power that lies behind all the denial? Afraid that once it's all cleared away, what emerges is truly exceptional. Afraid that when the hubby sees how emotional I am, he'll rethink things? I think it's all of them. They are all true, and they scare me.

The more I think about this, the more I realize this is not something I can truly do on my own. Recall that previous post about receptivity and a willingness to be vulnerable? My husband is excellent at helping people get in touch with themselves. I've seen it multiple times, and yet I've never asked him in earnest to do that for me. The first challenge is asking him, someone I care about deeply, for help, to push a hole through that wall large enough to be heard and be able to receive what is given.

In order for the lioness I see with my mind's eye to be as glorious as she has the potential for, she can't be hiding. And I'm still hiding.

- Lioness (in training)

An Unrecognized Benefit Of Job Allocation

Sunday was a bit of a breakthrough in terms of clear articulation. Like many women, I work full time and also take care of the 99% of the housework. I also live in extremely high traffic areas, so the traffic-free 20 minute commute turns out to be closer to a 1 hour with traffic commute. That means minimum 10 hours of my day are taken out by the work-a-day routine (8 + 2 hours of travel time). Add in dinner, which we usually eat out because I don't want to have to clean the kitchen, and that consumes another couple of hours. I'm down to 4 hours now to squeeze in everything else - social requirements, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, dusting, litterbox detail, paying bills, hobbies, and spending quality time with hubby. That's a lot. Really. Alas, it very often boils down to choosing what I consider to be the most important thing and actively letting the rest slide until I can make the time to do it.

I didn't have time to clean last week, so I wanted to do it this weekend. Saturday was just too full and so none of it got done. Sunday morning was likewise booked, leaving only Sunday evening with any amount of time to get stuff completed while I still had the energy to do it. Not having been able to spend time with me at all last week and this weekend, my hubby requested to spend Sunday evening with me. I chose him over chores, but had that axe hanging over my head, preventing me from really being 100% with him.

From talking with other women where I work, this is a pretty typical scenario. Throw kids into this mix and there's REALLY very little time or energy left for the men in our lives. Sunday was different because, for the first time, I was able to clearly articulate the primary benefit of me working in the home:

I can do all the things that I need to do while he's away at work, so that when he comes home I can choose to spend time with him without having any should-do's nagging at me.

Putting it that way to him caused him to smile and puff up. This is what he is giving me, and what I am giving him, the partnership in action. The next day he's talking to a friend of his at work who's wife is a certified nurse who chose to be a stay-at-home-mom-turned-housewife. When the fellow starting thinking about all the things that would have to be done after work if his wife ever opted to return to nursing, he realized there would be no time left to just be with her. He found that proposition completely unappealing. My hubby believes the man now has a whole new appreciation for the real benefits of all that his wife does because things were put into terms that he can clearly see. I have my job, he has his job, and we still have time for each other.

I must admit, it surprises me how much men seem to value just being with their chosen woman. If she doesn't have time for him because of everything else she's trying to do, that's really quite tragic -- for both of them. On her side, she's stressed and angry because she too wants to enjoy spending time with him and kids but there's always more to do. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. On his side, he's feeling neglected and unimportant to the one person he's chosen to commit his life to. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. Truly, a tragedy in the making there! Throw in Hunter/Gatherer typical miscommunication of needs and this gets ugly fast when it doesn't need to be. My heart is breaking just thinking about it!

I know for me, being able to feel my frustration on Sunday and then put that frustration into clear words was very helpful. Now even I can see exactly what we're both gaining even as we choose to give up some income. I think it's totally worth it, as long as I learn the strategies available to make every penny count so that it doesn't feel like we're giving up anything. That'll challenge the Gatherer in me! hehe

- Lioness (in training)

A Deeper Look at What it Means to be Receptive

Having recently done the post about Receptivity and how many women (including myself) are terrible at accepting things, this is a topic now on my radar. As if by serendipity, a situation occurred a few days ago which really made the extent of this receptivity potential exceedingly obvious. My housemate ended up losing her set of work keys. She was understandably terribly upset about it. Seeing her distress, the contractor plumbers who work for her company said to bill them for the cost of the replacement - a more than $200 cost. She accepted.

I have to admit, I was blown away for multiple reasons. Firstly, the generosity of the offer had my jaw drop. That in itself was amazing. Secondly, these are older men who really like my housemate for the simple reason that she treats them with respect, and listens fully to what they have to say. There’s nothing else to this offer than “we like you, and don’t want to see you get in trouble at work over this incident.” That’s it. But what really and truly had me agog was that she actually accepted.

Her story got me to thinking about my post on ‘receptivity is quintessentially feminine’ in a new way, to a greater depth. I tried to imagine myself in her position, asking "would I have been able to accept?" The answer is, unfortunately, no. I could not have accepted. Not 'would not', but 'could not' have accepted. Trying to imagine it, the gift offered was literally too large to have squeezed through the small chink in my armour. A compliment? Sure, that's easy. It's tiny, for the most part. But larger? No way. That would have physically hurt, and I came to the sudden realization that in the process of rejecting their sincere offer that I would have demonstrated to those guys to never again attempt to help me in any personally meaningful way. That was an entirely new revelation to me.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since then, wondering how many gifts have been offered to me over the years that I literally didn’t even see?  I want to be able to recognize all the things that my husband WANTS to do for me but right now I am blind to. I am now fairly sure that I regularly reject his offerings simply because I can't see them, and this hurt me to think that I am inadvertantly rejecting him in any way. For illustration, I see myself standing behind a giant wall. In this wall is a tiny little hole. Only things which can fit through that hole are recognizable as gifts. Anything larger is either flat ignored because it’s not even reasonable to imagine, or it’s recognized and rejected for being too large, too generous. Accepting it would mean that I’d have to enlarge the hole, a process which is both painful and leaves me open to being wounded.

This image lead me back to an older idea, revamped a bit. There is another thing that I think is quintessentially feminine, and it is often unrecognized or unspoken. That thing is a willingness to be vulnerable. It’s what makes a woman ‘soft’ in appearance. I’m still working on articulating this better, on how to work with it, but it feels like I’m on a right path there. Being open to receiving gifts means simultaneously open to being abused, hurt , used. It takes a powerful woman, a  truly self-confident woman, a Lioness, to recognize this, to know this, and still choose to remain open to all the positives despite the potential negatives.  A child is open because she hasn’t learned yet of the dangers. A woman chooses to remain open because she understands her own strength. Few women do know and trust in their own inner strength, and so fewer and fewer experienced women are willing to make themselves vulnerable anymore. In doing so, they are rejecting everything, even the best that men have to offer.

I’m still working out how to go about opening myself in this way, to being able to recognize and receive graciously yet without expectation. But then, that’s the whole point of this blog – learning how to be that Lioness. The first step was seeing what I've seen. Now to take the opportunties which abound to find ways to learn how to trust my own strength.

- Lioness (in training)

Hunters and Gatherers - "Just Getting Home" Needs Are NOT the Same

One of the best things that Alison Armstrong ever gave to my husband and me is a way of communicating our way of doing things in a manner that the other could understand. That language is all things related to the Hunter and Gatherer. I have to say, it's quite wonderful to actually understand why men and women are doing what they are doing. It's even better to be able to articulate it.

Alison clearly has the whole "Hunters’ need their transition time to go from Work Mode into Home Mode.” That transition time is solitary, does NOT include any talking, and takes about 20-30 minutes or longer (depending on the guy and the day). What she doesn't talk about is the Gatherer's need for this same thing, but the mechanism is very different.

My husband is extremely conscious to always ask "How was your day?" and then force himself to sit and listen to whatever spews forth. Long ago, he told me that he learned the hard way, with his first wife, that this was a required question. If he did ask, when she was finished he could then have his quiet time that he needed, and the rest of the evening was good. However, if he forgot to ask, or was too tired to force himself to listen to her 'rambles', then the evening would not go well because she’d chase him down and insist on telling him of her day.

A few days ago, my husband forgot to inquire how my housemate's day was because he was excited about his own project and I was not there for her to talk to. She realized sometime later that she was very discombobulated and out of sorts, feeling overlooked and minimized. As she was examining this response the next day and we were talking about it, this idea popped into my head: "Well, of course. You're a Gatherer! After a long day out picking berries, you've just arrived back home from your foray, and you needed to empty your basket, needed to share with everybody all that you found, where you found it, what else might be there, etc." If a Gatherer can’t share her basket, then she gets the idea that her goodies are actually just rotten berries, and she feels bad. Suddenly it all clicked.

I've heard so many men complain about being accosted by their wives when they get home and she just wants to talk, wants to "natter on" about all the minutiae that happened to her that day. For his part, he just wants to unwind and relax now that he's home and he can't do that when she's talking to him incessantly. He's trying to unwind by being quiet, and she won't let him. He's getting resentful that she's not respecting his needs, and she's getting angry that she's being 'ignored' and feels unheard, feels as if what she has to share is unimportant. Compound this by years and you get some ugliness -- needless ugliness.

This is a typical Hunter/Gatherer conflict of needs, and yet easily worked with IF recognized. From within this paradigm, our house now has a new language which is being implemented as a result of this observation. It's very simple. Here's the scenario -- we've been apart doing whatever we need to do for the day (work, school, etc) and now are meeting up in the evening.

"Honey, I am dying to empty my basket. It'll take maybe X minutes. Is now a good time?" I am fully prepared for a no answer, and that's fine. Why? Because I know that he may very well need to do his thing first, so that he's not distracted by work worries and thus can't pay attention to me. It also lets him know that I need his attention, but am asking for it when he’s emotionally available to give it to me.

"I need to get out of 'kill the deer' mode so that I can be fully at home. It'll take me about Y minutes. After that, I can listen to you for as long as you need." Here's the key thing that many women might have a hard time with - leave him ALONE during this. That's very important! Since I know that for me, feeling as if my basket of goodies is important enough to warrant his attention is essential to me, then I'm perfectly happy to give him the time that he needs to actually have the energy to listen. If I interupt him, the process has to start again. Deny the temptation to peek in and say "are you done yet?" and you'll discover (as I did) that he'll come find you when he's ready to be with you. In the end, we both get what we need but in a manner that respects each other’s basic nature.

- Lioness (in training)

Commitment as a by-product of single-focus awareness

It is now official. I have turned in my notice at work. My last day will be December 31, allowing for my insurance to run out and for the new family plan to take over on the 1st.

I hadn't quite realized one key difference in my mindset versus my husband's on this particular point until just today, as I was relaying the news and noticing his 'yeah, and?' reaction. We've been talking about this, planning the finances and whatnot, for nearly a year. Comparing our different emotional responses to the notice being officially given, I just realized today that in his mind, it was already a done deal. For me, it wasn't a done deal until I had talked to my boss and put a date on things. I felt a sense of relief at having done so today, a sense of "finally! I'm doing something! Here we go..." For me, until that was done, I could still change my mind - that option was still there and as long as that was the scenario then I wasn't COMMITTED (all caps, bold, underline, italics) to it yet, but this was so not the case in his mind. In his mind, I had committed to it a long time ago and what remained was the formality of it.

In talking to him after I talked to my boss, I was surprised that he was so matter-of-fact. At first I was confused, but then something that Alison talked about came to mind: "Men aren't at all afraid of commitment." In fact, because of their single-focus outlook, when they decide to do something they do that something with everything they have, because it's the ONLY thing they are doing. Women, with their diffuse awareness, don't think this way at all. Even when I'm doing a task, I'm thinking of other tasks. I will never again consider any man 'afraid of commitment' as a generalized concept. He might not want to commit to this person, or that idea, or a specific course of action, or he may be waiting to make that commitment based on the fullment of this or that provider related ability he doesn't think is ready yet, but he's not afraid of commitment in general. Commitment is a core, fundamental aspect of what it means to be single-focused!

Today was the first time, with just a few simple words, that this concept was really and truly illustrated to me. It 'sunk in', as it were.

I can't even conceive of doing just one thing, of being actively aware of just one thing (at least for more than a short period of time), let alone truly grasp what it would mean to commit myself to that task to the exclusion of all else. This is not to say that I am incapable of commitment, hardly. It's just so ... abundant. I am committed to many things, all at the same time -- right now. No wonder the hubby gets frustrated with all my interests. He imagines I think in the same way that he does, and that when I say "I want to do this" I actually mean "I will do this to the exclusion of all other things; all other interests will drop away and become a mere footnote in comparison to THIS one".

I am learning to appreciate what it truly means to be single-focused, or least to recognize the benefits and limitations so that they can be reasonably worked with. Previously, like many women, I denigrated it. I thought it was the sign of a small or limited mind. Through this work here, and I'm only just beginning, that bias is now gone. It's interesting. The idea is that we, quite naturally as human beings, ascribe to someone else our own thought process and assume that other people think about things or see the world in the same way that we do. The classic statement for someone caught in this trap is "you should just know!!" Another classic statement is the "it's clearly obvious why I did such, so I shouldn't have to explain it". Now that I see this and do genuinely recognize that we definitely think entirely differently, I’m left to wonder how should I handle this?

My first plan of action will be to never ever assume that I understand why he’s doing something. Leaping to conclusions as to his motivations is unhelpful and leads to an adversarial situation. Instead, when I am unsure as to why or when he responds in a way that has me feeling strange, those are my emotional cues that I need to ask him why he did such and such. But asking is easy. The hard part is listening, and I mean LISTENING, to what he says. Whatever he says, I cannot take it personally. It’s not about me, it’s about him. Because I can step into new mindsets relatively easily, it’ll be easier for me to understand and work with his paradigm than it would be the reverse. I also need to ensure that I’m safe for him to talk to, and that means he has to know through experience that he won’t be attacked for being honest with me. Fortunately, we already have a long history of this but it's never been consciously undertaken by me before. Now, I need to make my awareness of his different mindset an active part of the many things that I keep track of.

- Lioness (in training)