Recognizing the Fear is Step 1 of Owning It

I have to admit, the further I go on this particular path, the more anger is surfacing. Anger at men, anger at women, anger at 'society', anger at myself. I've had a very long standing rage at organized religion, and in my mind there is only The Church, as if somehow my mind is locked into the idea that Christianity is the same now as it was in 1300. I know that's not true, but then this emotion isn't 'rational'. That rage has diffused considerably over the years, but it's still very much there.

I know that anger is a mask worn by fear, so my anger is actually fear. Fear that everything can be undone in a heartbeat. Fear that all the 'equality' we like to believe we have is just an illusion. Stark terror that the barbarians at the gate will indeed topple Rome, and we'll return to the Dark Ages and spend another thousand years in ignorance. That idea is near paralyzing it's so horrifying to me.

I'd love to argue and say 'this isn't MY fear, it's the inhereted gender shadow' or something -- as if attempting to disown it will do any good whatsoever. No, it's my fear now, inhereted or otherwise. And it's very real.

Until I can get a handle on it, until I can face it, understand it and own it, it will continue to color everything I see. But than, that's the point of this journey for me. In order to become the empowered Lioness, I have to trust in my own strength, and value that strength on its own merits. I'm not there yet. But seeing the anger and fear displayed so obviously has been helpful in making me see it.

Now to handle it constructively...

- Lioness (in training)