Vulnerability is the key to connecting with other people.
I've spoken about vulnerability and its relationship to strength as well as the feminine principle of receptivity and what those really mean. I've also explored a little bit with the interconnectivity of these ideas, but it was this simple statement that really tied it all neatly together for me.
It's like a domino chain. When set up properly, when allowed to fall in the way in which they will, strength of self (self-worth) leads to a willingness to be open (vulnerable) in emotionally important areas. Genuinely revealing emotionally important areas means that the open person is now able to receive. From here, the receptive principle has been powerfully engaged and the active principle will respond -- just as two magnets are compelled to respond to each other when they get within proximity.
This willingness to receive is, I think, exactly what the host of the CD series was talking about. Coincidentally, the speaker was male (Robert Ohotto), and he gave a sentance or two on how extremely attractive someone willing to be vulnerable was to him.
There are two aspects to this domino chain which I think are feeding each other. One aspect is "what is the foudation". Notice that I always put the chain as being rooted in an empowered state. This person is CHOOSING to express a part of themselves which could lead to tremendous pain, but they are doing it anyway ... because they believe in themself, know their worth, and know what's truly important to them. Not only does this example person know their worth, but they have the courage to express their emotional self. These two qualities -- self-worth and self-confidence -- are deeply attractive to other people. I find myself automatically looking to them for guidance. The animal instinct in me responds to this, regardless of what my mind thinks of the person. The other aspect of this domino chain is the energetic magnet idea -- being receptive activates the opposite principle of giving.
I think that the being receptive part is the automatic one. Being receptive means that you WILL get something related to what you are receptive to. Here's the "Law of Attraction" idea which is so prevalent but sadly misused right now. What's not talked about is the foundation of this receptivity. It is sooooo extremely important!!! I've have sadly known a great many people perfectly willing to express their vulnerability, but they do so from a disempowered place, and my response to them is anything but pleasant.
One young man comes to mind. A truly gifted artist I knew in college, lived in my dorm. Desperately lonely but with horrible people skills. Not that he was rude, but he was clingy to the nth degree. Because he was expressing his bone deep need to be accepted, wearing his vulnerability on his sleeve, but he hadn't accepted himself yet, he was most definitely getting a response to his receptivity, but none of it was kind or supportive. Watching him struggle so painfully broke my heart, and I tried to be nice to him. He ended up following me around like a kicked puppy hoping for a kind word, appearing out of the shadows and just hovering in my vacinity. They say that some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a week, and he was the living embodiment of this. After a few days, I just couldn't stand any more. I felt suffocated, covered in slime, as if I had to carry him completely. I asked him to go away as nicely as I could (not easy!) and then avoided him. My dorm was a co-ed one, with 3 floors -- 1 & 3 were male, 2 was female. He was on the first floor and he became the butt of every joke the other freshman guys could think of. For lack of a better description, he was hazed. Totally and completely, but he was thrilled for the attention and would do ANYTHING asked of him. One such request was to climb a tree at midnight, one of those trees with no low branches. He was a gangly kid, with zero athletic ability. It was over the sidewalk, and when he fell out of the tree he badly broke his leg. They drew a chalk outline of his form on the sidewalk the next day. Despite this, a week later he was back at school with a cast up to his thigh -- it really was a terrible break. About a month later, some shit took the screws out of his crutches while he was sleeping. He fell again when he tried to use them, shattering his leg beyond repair. After this, he left school and I do not know what became of him.
I give this very raw example to illustrate the importance of an empowered foundation. That poor guy, whom I think of often and wish only happiness for, is an all too frequent example. We've all known someone like him, or been him. A willingness to be vulnerable, an openness to receiving, WILL get a response. It HAS to. I see humans as energetic beings, and when a negative poll is turned on then the active polls have no choice but to act. What makes the difference in what I might get has more to do with where I stand in myself than what I am asking for. If I'm confident in myself, I'll be able to feel if the crowd I'm in has the capacity to give me what I'm willing to accept. If I'm confident in myself, I can handle what I receive or have the capacity to shut down the open channel if what's coming in is something I refuse to accept.
How's that for a new idea? The boundary of what I'm willing and unwiling to accept, coupled with situational awareness. Not every group has the same potential. If I treated every person as if they there the Dalai Lama, I'm going to end up rather disappointed. But if I treat every person as if they are Jeffrey Dahmer, well, I'll still end up disappointed but for radically different reasons. I have to be able to see someone for who they are, and recognize what they are capable of. In order to do that, I first have to see myself, and what I'm capable of. From here, I can honestly recognize my own worth, and from there gain confidence in my Self. Then, from a place of empowerment, I can choose when to be open and when not to be.
Through the exploration in this post, I can now see where vulnerability is the key to connecting with others, and also why. What makes the connection a healthy or unhealthy one has everything to do with me. Right now, I'm still struggling to see myself clearly, to recognize my unique worth and value. To have the courage to be open!
Right now the 'vogue' way of connecting with others, the new-age approved means of being vulnerable, is through the use of Wounds. "I was abused as a kid" "oh, me too" Instant bonding. I do love Caroline Myss' impatience with this. "Don't talk wounds to me. I don't want to hear it." heh. I do love her forthright nature! Anyway, it's also something I find a LOT in romance novels. The hero and heroine suddenly discover that their hardships and trials faced as kids allows them to 'connect' and from there the relationship is validated as real. Oh. My. God. Connecting to someone solely through a wound is NOT healthy. Why? Because it means the wound is still emotionally alive. If something is still emotionally alive, it has energy, it's real, it's NOW, ongoing, active. Whether it happened yesterday or 80 years ago, if the wound is still open enough that someone can create a living emotional tie with it, then it needs to be addressed. It'd be like going through life with a sucking chest wound. Slapping a bandage on it will help keep it contained, but dude, that needs some attention!
That said, there's also a massive difference between creating a relationship using wounds and using a healed wound to help someone else heal their own wounds. Can you see the difference? It's subtle, but critical to understand. To sum up, wounds are indeed vulnerabilities which can be used to connect with other people, but I really don't recommend it. An emotionally important area is bigger, more important, and runs far deeper than an emotional wound does. Using the living wounds to find the core of those areas, now that's an interesting exercise!
Huh, interesting. The fact that this subject gets me so riled up is a clue to me that somewhere in me it's either still active, or I'm in denial of something. While I can't recall any specific examples of where I've used this to forge a relationship with someone, I have used what I think are healed wounds to help others get over their own wounds. I think I'm more guilty of projection than woundology, or I just go overboard the other way, "don't talk wounds to me". Hrm. I'll have to think on this one.
Anyway. Why is this a lioness post? Receptivity is one of the qualities at the core of femininity. It's hugely important, and yet as a patriarchal society the masculine values are the ones still ruling ... though that is changing! As a society, and as myself, I'm terrified of exposing a vulnerability. But I've made the tragic mistake of linking 'vulnerable' with 'weakness'. If I refuse to expose my emotionally important areas, I am also refusing to be open, refusing to be receptive to others. I am refusing the enact the power of the feminine principle. The Lioness I seek to be embraces her own emotionally important areas; right now, I'm still running from them.
- Lioness (in training)
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