Ah finally, a moment to do some writing AND I remembered what I've been wanting to blog about but kept forgetting.
In my house, we have a reference to bursting someone's thought balloon. You know that moment when you think of something you want to say, so you open your mouth and suddenly that thought just utterly vanishes and you're left completely blank? Yeah, that's a thought balloon being popped. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves, and sometimes someone else says something and pops that thought balloon for us. All that just to say that every time I had a spare moment to write, the thought balloon with the contents for this post went poof.
Until today.
On Allison's website she has two short video clips which are hugely important: How to Change Women and How to NOT Change Men. Before I talk about my experiences with this information, let me share another background idea that she talks about which I have learned over the years is VERY true.
Gatherers, as a general rule, have a less strict sense of Self than Hunters. What does this mean? Gatherers are malleable, flexible, and capable of becoming what their loved ones require based on the needs of the moment. They'll put their own needs and wants aside, often for decades, because they have to. It's native to the Gatherer mindset, and our society depends on it. Example: women have the capacity to become what their children need, then shift to become what their bosses needs, then shift again to become what their spouses need. I've said and heard a HUGE number of women talk about "loosing themselves" in relationships, but I can't recall ever once hearing a Hunter make that statement. I recall in my own youth that I was pretty much putty, forgetting my own needs in favor of those I was emotionally attached to. Over the years that has slowly stopped being the case, but I think that's a product of age and experience and the expectations of our society. I'm looking around me at the younger late teens and into their early 30s women that I know and I marvel at how many of them completely lose touch with themselves - their own desires, needs and wants. Eventually they all wake up, but it's exceedingly common that women do this. With this in mind, I can completely buy the idea that Gatherers indeed have a more flexible sense of Self than Hunters.
With this in mind, how then does a Gatherer get another Gatherer to change? It's very easy - criticize. Gatherers, by and large, want to fit in with the group. With a flexible sense of self, it's easy to absorb a lot of criticism and just bend to accommodate. The example in the video mentions a Hunter telling his Gatherer that "blue is not your color", with the outcome being that she'll never EVER wear blue around that Hunter again. Of course, I will add that a Gatherer is only motivated to listen when the speaker is someone that she cares about or is in some way attached to. If she doesn't care about the speaker, then who care if he thinks blue is unappealing on her?
For the sake argument, let's assume that the Gatherer is with people that she cares about.
If Gatherers use criticism to change other Gatherers, what do you think will be the logical tool that would be reached for when a Gatherer wants to change a Hunter?
Yup, she'll reach for criticism. Why? Because people in general assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do. So a Gatherer will assume that a Hunter will think and react like a Gatherer, and then be very hurt and upset when he doesn't! "You should have just KNOWN that!" is a statement which springs from the very heart of this bad assumption.
Let me now turn to Hunters, who don't generally have a flexible sense of Self. Just as with Gatherers, the older a Hunter gets the more inflexible he's willing to be, so the most flexible you'll ever find is a young Hunter. He may still be trying to figure out Who He Is, but at the same time I've never heard a man say he just lost himself for any length of time while in a relationship. You'll get a blank stare of unrecognition or a snort of absurdity from Hunters at this idea.
Given this stronger sense of Self, how does a Hunter react to criticism? Not very well, and then both Hunter and Gatherer are frustrated with the other.
With this background, I started listening to word choices of those around me. I noticed that most Gatherers tended to be somewhat negative. Say something and if there is ANY way that a statement could be taken negatively, it would be. The younger a Gatherer is, the worse this tendency. From that, I formulated that the more elastic her idea of herself is, or the more insecure with her position in the world that she is, the more likely this is to happen. She's LOOKING for criticism, so she can use it to shape herself into what the group will accept. Granted, this often comes with tears and drama as well.
Then I started listening to Hunters, and I noticed that if something could be taken even remotely positively, they did so! Again, the older they are the most likely this is to happen, and I'd expect that the reasoning of more secure in Self and Society he is the more this will be.
I listened to Hunters interacting and it was fascinating. No criticism, ever. UNLESS one specifically turns to another and says "dude, I'm not getting it and I recognize you're an expert on this, ideas?" Hunters will INVITE criticism only from someone they look up to and respect, and as such will then listen to criticism with the assumption that it's offered with the best possible intention. Without that invitation, however, the criticism is seen as an attempt to demonstrate the ways in which he's failing. Since he didn't ASK for that, he knows he's not failing and so the criticism is largely ignored.
Gatherers, however, rarely have anything nice to say to each other. When there is a compliment, it's usually either backhanded or comes with claws or has some other motive. The more insecure the Gatherers as a group are, the uglier this gets. But they are listening to every barb and insult and false positive, because that's 'their' crowd and they have to figure out how to fit in and survive. The more secure the Gatherers are in terms of Self and Society, the less this negativity is the case.
Now that I'd gathered the evidence for Alison's stories as well as my own observations, I went into the testing phase. Now, when a Hunter says something to me, I actively work to take it in the BEST possible way, assume that his intentions are golden goodness. That especially includes things like "that shirt isn't as flattering as it could be." Instead of running off to my room crying before I burn the shirt, or going on the offensive and demanding an explanation, I'm working to assume he's trying to be helpful for my own best good. I can say, it's done WONDERS for my overall outlook as well as make me much safer for him to share his thoughts with.
I'm also working to be aware of my audience, and not criticize Hunters anymore. If I want them to change, I'll instead really applaud the positives that I was overjoyed with. He takes out the trash and I give him a huge smile and a hug and a sincere thank you and believe me, he now looks for opportunities to get that reaction out of me again. I've learned that if I want to change my Hunter, I have to encourage all those things he does which I like by reacting with sincere happiness.
Have you ever heard a Hunter say "I just want to make you happy"? That's what motivates him -- my happiness. If all I do is criticize, then clearly I'm not happy. That means, in his mind, he's failing to do the one thing he really wants to. Now that I recognize the truth in that statement, have seen it in others, and experienced the results of my tests, I'd highly recommend that Gatherers change their tactics to something that actually works. Besides, it's MUCH nicer to be happy and take things constructively than the alternative.
- Lioness (in training)
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