I find it ironic that just last month I did a post on insecurity, only this month to find myself staring it in the face. Every time a situation changes, that means the triggers change. Where before I felt secure, suddenly I am no longer sure.
Fortunately, perhaps because of the post so recently, I was able to identify the source of my destructive behavior and put a stop to it before it morphed into something truly ugly. But catching such things does not automatically mean they go away. The absolute worst thing possible is to pretend that insecurity doesn't affect me. The very idea of "pretend it's not there" is tantamount to giving a toddler a loaded gun. The situation will not end well.
So how does one go about dismantling insecurity rather than denying or supressing it? I would argue that emotional awareness is the biggest ally we can have. Being aware of how we feel, TRULY and honestly feel, can alert us to things long before they become a problem. Being so aware can also give perspective. For example, I know that for me I always spiral into a mini-depression 2 days before my cycle starts.
EEEW!
Yes, I went there. Let's be real. Women are emotionally jerked around by their hormones to a terrifyingly high degree. When that is not recognized, or given validity, or minimized and ridiculed, this gives these hormonal driven emotions free reign to be a complete ass. Those women who use PMS as excuses to justify behaving like total bitches make me grind my teeth in fury. PMS justifies nothing, and yes, I recognize fully that it's a valid condition.
Awareness is the key. How do these tie together? I've been working with some friends to help them become aware of how their emotional outlook is affected by their physical condition. Does tiredness increase a tendency toward irritability or depression or other? Does ovulation increase emotional fragility or libido? Does eating high sugar foods lead to anger?
If I'm aware of how much my body is directly influencing how I feel, I can put responses into perspective. Let's return to the example of the mini-depression. If someone just happens to say something on this day which could in any way be construed as a negative comment, it gets blown all out of proportion. I used to act on that, not being aware that my response to the situation was wildly inappropriate, and as a result caused all sorts of needless tension and drama. Now, I'm keenly aware of my body and the relationship between how I physically feel and how I emotionally feel are related. With this awareness, I can take a breath, despite the rioting depression, and say I'm going to have to get a good night's sleep and re-examine this situation in the morning.
That said, let's return to the concept of PMS. It's very real, and I say that the emotions it brings to the surface are equally real. What I think it does is magnify things. Biologically speaking, that part of the female cycle is a 'cleaning house' in preparation for a new cycle. That it hormonally drags to the surface all those emotions that we'd like to pretend aren't there also make sense from the 'cleaning house' perspective. "Hey, found all this trash in the basement here. Get rid of it." And women, especially those who are emotional unaware, go nuts. Erratic behavior, violence, verbal viciousness. Yick. And they laugh it off as "just PMS". No. It's not. PMS just augments what's already there. By A LOT. Find yourself acting violent, or extremely controlling, or 'uncharacteristically' jealous, or anything like that? That's a wake up call. Take it. Wake up. Become aware of what's going on. The kind of Lioness I want to be a deliberate one, taking actions inspired by choices made.
Again, awareness is the key. So how am I going to use my long history of emotional awareness to address this instance of insecurity? Listen for the triggers. Acknowledge those little pings in the moment they happen. Examine them. Understand the relationship between how I'm interpreting the situation and what else is going on. Mainly, I need to change the way I see the situation which is inciting it. I can choose to change the way I see something. It's beautiful! And it takes only a moment to decide that something can go from being A Threat to being An Inspiration. Being equally aware of my hormonal reality means I help maintain the Inspiration perspective, rather than letting the response devolve into the Threat level. It's my choice, and my power to make that decision. I can only do this if I am aware and honest with myself.
Here's something most folks don't like to know. Insecurity has nothing to do anyone other than the individual it is affecting. It cannot be blamed on anyone else. Cannot be cured by anyone else. I have to own it, be aware of it, and then engage it. I have to engage the foundations behind why this or that makes feel insecure, makes me feel as if I have to defend myself. Awareness is the best tool in my arsenal to help me defuse and dismantle this emotional time bomb.
My vision of the Lioness is one of emotional security, one of complete self-possession. She knows fully who she is, what she's capable of and not, and accepts herself while still challenging herself to strive for better. The Lioness is not immune to self-doubt or occasional insecurity -- but she does not allow such emotions to make her into their puppet.
- Lioness (in training)
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