It is now official. I have turned in my notice at work. My last day will be December 31, allowing for my insurance to run out and for the new family plan to take over on the 1st.
I hadn't quite realized one key difference in my mindset versus my husband's on this particular point until just today, as I was relaying the news and noticing his 'yeah, and?' reaction. We've been talking about this, planning the finances and whatnot, for nearly a year. Comparing our different emotional responses to the notice being officially given, I just realized today that in his mind, it was already a done deal. For me, it wasn't a done deal until I had talked to my boss and put a date on things. I felt a sense of relief at having done so today, a sense of "finally! I'm doing something! Here we go..." For me, until that was done, I could still change my mind - that option was still there and as long as that was the scenario then I wasn't COMMITTED (all caps, bold, underline, italics) to it yet, but this was so not the case in his mind. In his mind, I had committed to it a long time ago and what remained was the formality of it.
In talking to him after I talked to my boss, I was surprised that he was so matter-of-fact. At first I was confused, but then something that Alison talked about came to mind: "Men aren't at all afraid of commitment." In fact, because of their single-focus outlook, when they decide to do something they do that something with everything they have, because it's the ONLY thing they are doing. Women, with their diffuse awareness, don't think this way at all. Even when I'm doing a task, I'm thinking of other tasks. I will never again consider any man 'afraid of commitment' as a generalized concept. He might not want to commit to this person, or that idea, or a specific course of action, or he may be waiting to make that commitment based on the fullment of this or that provider related ability he doesn't think is ready yet, but he's not afraid of commitment in general. Commitment is a core, fundamental aspect of what it means to be single-focused!
Today was the first time, with just a few simple words, that this concept was really and truly illustrated to me. It 'sunk in', as it were.
I can't even conceive of doing just one thing, of being actively aware of just one thing (at least for more than a short period of time), let alone truly grasp what it would mean to commit myself to that task to the exclusion of all else. This is not to say that I am incapable of commitment, hardly. It's just so ... abundant. I am committed to many things, all at the same time -- right now. No wonder the hubby gets frustrated with all my interests. He imagines I think in the same way that he does, and that when I say "I want to do this" I actually mean "I will do this to the exclusion of all other things; all other interests will drop away and become a mere footnote in comparison to THIS one".
I am learning to appreciate what it truly means to be single-focused, or least to recognize the benefits and limitations so that they can be reasonably worked with. Previously, like many women, I denigrated it. I thought it was the sign of a small or limited mind. Through this work here, and I'm only just beginning, that bias is now gone. It's interesting. The idea is that we, quite naturally as human beings, ascribe to someone else our own thought process and assume that other people think about things or see the world in the same way that we do. The classic statement for someone caught in this trap is "you should just know!!" Another classic statement is the "it's clearly obvious why I did such, so I shouldn't have to explain it". Now that I see this and do genuinely recognize that we definitely think entirely differently, I’m left to wonder how should I handle this?
My first plan of action will be to never ever assume that I understand why he’s doing something. Leaping to conclusions as to his motivations is unhelpful and leads to an adversarial situation. Instead, when I am unsure as to why or when he responds in a way that has me feeling strange, those are my emotional cues that I need to ask him why he did such and such. But asking is easy. The hard part is listening, and I mean LISTENING, to what he says. Whatever he says, I cannot take it personally. It’s not about me, it’s about him. Because I can step into new mindsets relatively easily, it’ll be easier for me to understand and work with his paradigm than it would be the reverse. I also need to ensure that I’m safe for him to talk to, and that means he has to know through experience that he won’t be attacked for being honest with me. Fortunately, we already have a long history of this but it's never been consciously undertaken by me before. Now, I need to make my awareness of his different mindset an active part of the many things that I keep track of.
- Lioness (in training)
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