An Unrecognized Benefit Of Job Allocation

Sunday was a bit of a breakthrough in terms of clear articulation. Like many women, I work full time and also take care of the 99% of the housework. I also live in extremely high traffic areas, so the traffic-free 20 minute commute turns out to be closer to a 1 hour with traffic commute. That means minimum 10 hours of my day are taken out by the work-a-day routine (8 + 2 hours of travel time). Add in dinner, which we usually eat out because I don't want to have to clean the kitchen, and that consumes another couple of hours. I'm down to 4 hours now to squeeze in everything else - social requirements, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, dusting, litterbox detail, paying bills, hobbies, and spending quality time with hubby. That's a lot. Really. Alas, it very often boils down to choosing what I consider to be the most important thing and actively letting the rest slide until I can make the time to do it.

I didn't have time to clean last week, so I wanted to do it this weekend. Saturday was just too full and so none of it got done. Sunday morning was likewise booked, leaving only Sunday evening with any amount of time to get stuff completed while I still had the energy to do it. Not having been able to spend time with me at all last week and this weekend, my hubby requested to spend Sunday evening with me. I chose him over chores, but had that axe hanging over my head, preventing me from really being 100% with him.

From talking with other women where I work, this is a pretty typical scenario. Throw kids into this mix and there's REALLY very little time or energy left for the men in our lives. Sunday was different because, for the first time, I was able to clearly articulate the primary benefit of me working in the home:

I can do all the things that I need to do while he's away at work, so that when he comes home I can choose to spend time with him without having any should-do's nagging at me.

Putting it that way to him caused him to smile and puff up. This is what he is giving me, and what I am giving him, the partnership in action. The next day he's talking to a friend of his at work who's wife is a certified nurse who chose to be a stay-at-home-mom-turned-housewife. When the fellow starting thinking about all the things that would have to be done after work if his wife ever opted to return to nursing, he realized there would be no time left to just be with her. He found that proposition completely unappealing. My hubby believes the man now has a whole new appreciation for the real benefits of all that his wife does because things were put into terms that he can clearly see. I have my job, he has his job, and we still have time for each other.

I must admit, it surprises me how much men seem to value just being with their chosen woman. If she doesn't have time for him because of everything else she's trying to do, that's really quite tragic -- for both of them. On her side, she's stressed and angry because she too wants to enjoy spending time with him and kids but there's always more to do. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. On his side, he's feeling neglected and unimportant to the one person he's chosen to commit his life to. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. Truly, a tragedy in the making there! Throw in Hunter/Gatherer typical miscommunication of needs and this gets ugly fast when it doesn't need to be. My heart is breaking just thinking about it!

I know for me, being able to feel my frustration on Sunday and then put that frustration into clear words was very helpful. Now even I can see exactly what we're both gaining even as we choose to give up some income. I think it's totally worth it, as long as I learn the strategies available to make every penny count so that it doesn't feel like we're giving up anything. That'll challenge the Gatherer in me! hehe

- Lioness (in training)