Hunters give Positive Reenforcement; Gatherers give Negative Reenforcement

Ah finally, a moment to do some writing AND I remembered what I've been wanting to blog about but kept forgetting.

In my house, we have a reference to bursting someone's thought balloon. You know that moment when you think of something you want to say, so you open your mouth and suddenly that thought just utterly vanishes and you're left completely blank? Yeah, that's a thought balloon being popped. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves, and sometimes someone else says something and pops that thought balloon for us. All that just to say that every time I had a spare moment to write, the thought balloon with the contents for this post went poof.

Until today.

On Allison's website she has two short video clips which are hugely important: How to Change Women and How to NOT Change Men. Before I talk about my experiences with this information, let me share another background idea that she talks about which I have learned over the years is VERY true.

Gatherers, as a general rule, have a less strict sense of Self than Hunters. What does this mean? Gatherers are malleable, flexible, and capable of becoming what their loved ones require based on the needs of the moment. They'll put their own needs and wants aside, often for decades, because they have to. It's native to the Gatherer mindset, and our society depends on it. Example: women have the capacity to become what their children need, then shift to become what their bosses needs, then shift again to become what their spouses need. I've said and heard a HUGE number of women talk about "loosing themselves" in relationships, but I can't recall ever once hearing a Hunter make that statement. I recall in my own youth that I was pretty much putty, forgetting my own needs in favor of those I was emotionally attached to. Over the years that has slowly stopped being the case, but I think that's a product of age and experience and the expectations of our society. I'm looking around me at the younger late teens and into their early 30s women that I know and I marvel at how many of them completely lose touch with themselves - their own desires, needs and wants. Eventually they all wake up, but it's exceedingly common that women do this. With this in mind, I can completely buy the idea that Gatherers indeed have a more flexible sense of Self than Hunters.

With this in mind, how then does a Gatherer get another Gatherer to change? It's very easy - criticize. Gatherers, by and large, want to fit in with the group. With a flexible sense of self, it's easy to absorb a lot of criticism and just bend to accommodate. The example in the video mentions a Hunter telling his Gatherer  that "blue is not your color", with the outcome being that she'll never EVER wear blue around that Hunter again. Of course, I will add that a Gatherer is only motivated to listen when the speaker is someone that she cares about or is in some way attached to. If she doesn't care about the speaker, then who care if he thinks blue is unappealing on her?

For the sake argument, let's assume that the Gatherer is with people that she cares about.

If Gatherers use criticism to change other Gatherers, what do you think will be the logical tool that would be reached for when a Gatherer wants to change a Hunter?

Yup, she'll reach for criticism. Why? Because people in general assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do. So a Gatherer will assume that a Hunter will think and react like a Gatherer, and then be very hurt and upset when he doesn't! "You should have just KNOWN that!" is a statement which springs from the very heart of this bad assumption.

Let me now turn to Hunters, who don't generally have a flexible sense of Self. Just as with Gatherers, the older a Hunter gets the more inflexible he's willing to be, so the most flexible you'll ever find is a young Hunter. He may still be trying to figure out Who He Is, but at the same time I've never heard a man say he just lost himself for any length of time while in a relationship. You'll get a blank stare of unrecognition or a snort of absurdity from Hunters at this idea.

Given this stronger sense of Self, how does a Hunter react to criticism? Not very well, and then both Hunter and Gatherer are frustrated with the other.

With this background, I started listening to word choices of those around me. I noticed that most Gatherers tended to be somewhat negative. Say something and if there is ANY way that a statement could be taken negatively, it would be. The younger a Gatherer is, the worse this tendency. From that, I formulated that the more elastic her idea of herself is, or the more insecure with her position in the world that she is, the more likely this is to happen. She's LOOKING for criticism, so she can use it to shape herself into what the group will accept. Granted, this often comes with tears and drama as well.

Then I started listening to Hunters, and I noticed that if something could be taken even remotely positively, they did so! Again, the older they are the most likely this is to happen, and I'd expect that the reasoning of more secure in Self and Society he is the more this will be.

I listened to Hunters interacting and it was fascinating. No criticism, ever. UNLESS one specifically turns to another and says "dude, I'm not getting it and I recognize you're an expert on this, ideas?" Hunters will INVITE criticism only from someone they look up to and respect, and as such will then listen to criticism with the assumption that it's offered with the best possible intention. Without that invitation, however, the criticism is seen as an attempt to demonstrate the ways in which he's failing. Since he didn't ASK for that, he knows he's not failing and so the criticism is largely ignored.

Gatherers, however, rarely have anything nice to say to each other. When there is a compliment, it's usually either backhanded or comes with claws or has some other motive. The more insecure the Gatherers as a group are, the uglier this gets. But they are listening to every barb and insult and false positive, because that's 'their' crowd and they have to figure out how to fit in and survive. The more secure the Gatherers are in terms of Self and Society, the less this negativity is the case.

Now that I'd gathered the evidence for Alison's stories as well as my own observations, I went into the testing phase. Now, when a Hunter says something to me, I actively work to take it in the BEST possible way, assume that his intentions are golden goodness. That especially includes things like "that shirt isn't as flattering as it could be." Instead of running off to my room crying before I burn the shirt, or going on the offensive and demanding an explanation, I'm working to assume he's trying to be helpful for my own best good. I can say, it's done WONDERS for my overall outlook as well as make me much safer for him to share his thoughts with.

I'm also working to be aware of my audience, and not criticize Hunters anymore. If I want them to change, I'll instead really applaud the positives that I was overjoyed with. He takes out the trash and I give him a huge smile and a hug and a sincere thank you and believe me, he now looks for opportunities to get that reaction out of me again. I've learned that if I want to change my Hunter, I have to encourage all those things he does which I like by reacting with sincere happiness.

Have you ever heard a Hunter say "I just want to make you happy"? That's what motivates him -- my happiness. If all I do is criticize, then clearly I'm not happy. That means, in his mind, he's failing to do the one thing he really wants to. Now that I recognize the truth in that statement, have seen it in others, and experienced the results of my tests, I'd highly recommend that Gatherers change their tactics to something that actually works. Besides, it's MUCH nicer to be happy and take things constructively than the alternative.

-          Lioness (in training)

Emotional Awareness and What I Can Do For Me

I find it ironic that just last month I did a post on insecurity, only this month to find myself staring it in the face. Every time a situation changes, that means the triggers change. Where before I felt secure, suddenly I am no longer sure.

Fortunately, perhaps because of the post so recently, I was able to identify the source of my destructive behavior and put a stop to it before it morphed into something truly ugly. But catching such things does not automatically mean they go away. The absolute worst thing possible is to pretend that insecurity doesn't affect me. The very idea of "pretend it's not there" is tantamount to giving a toddler a loaded gun. The situation will not end well.

So how does one go about dismantling insecurity rather than denying or supressing it? I would argue that emotional awareness is the biggest ally we can have. Being aware of how we feel, TRULY and honestly feel, can alert us to things long before they become a problem. Being so aware can also give perspective. For example, I know that for me I always spiral into a mini-depression 2 days before my cycle starts.

EEEW!

Yes, I went there. Let's be real. Women are emotionally jerked around by their hormones to a terrifyingly high degree. When that is not recognized, or given validity, or minimized and ridiculed, this gives these hormonal driven emotions free reign to be a complete ass. Those women who use PMS as excuses to justify behaving like total bitches make me grind my teeth in fury. PMS justifies nothing, and yes, I recognize fully that it's a valid condition.

Awareness is the key. How do these tie together? I've been working with some friends to help them become aware of how their emotional outlook is affected by their physical condition. Does tiredness increase a tendency toward irritability or depression or other? Does ovulation increase emotional fragility or libido? Does eating high sugar foods lead to anger?

If I'm aware of how much my body is directly influencing how I feel, I can put responses into perspective. Let's return to the example of the mini-depression. If someone just happens to say something on this day which could in any way be construed as a negative comment, it gets blown all out of proportion. I used to act on that, not being aware that my response to the situation was wildly inappropriate, and as a result caused all sorts of needless tension and drama. Now, I'm keenly aware of my body and the relationship between how I physically feel and how I emotionally feel are related. With this awareness, I can take a breath, despite the rioting depression, and say I'm going to have to get a good night's sleep and re-examine this situation in the morning.

That said, let's return to the concept of PMS. It's very real, and I say that the emotions it brings to the surface are equally real. What I think it does is magnify things. Biologically speaking, that part of the female cycle is a 'cleaning house' in preparation for a new cycle. That it hormonally drags to the surface all those emotions that we'd like to pretend aren't there also make sense from the 'cleaning house' perspective. "Hey, found all this trash in the basement here. Get rid of it." And women, especially those who are emotional unaware, go nuts. Erratic behavior, violence, verbal viciousness. Yick.  And they laugh it off as "just PMS". No. It's not. PMS just augments what's already there. By A LOT. Find yourself acting violent, or extremely controlling, or 'uncharacteristically' jealous, or anything like that? That's a wake up call. Take it. Wake up. Become aware of what's going on. The kind of Lioness I want to be a deliberate one, taking actions inspired by choices made.

Again, awareness is the key. So how am I going to use my long history of emotional awareness to address this instance of insecurity? Listen for the triggers. Acknowledge those little pings in the moment they happen. Examine them. Understand the relationship between how I'm interpreting the situation and what else is going on. Mainly, I need to change the way I see the situation which is inciting it. I can choose to change the way I see something. It's beautiful! And it takes only a moment to decide that something can go from being A Threat to being An Inspiration. Being equally aware of my hormonal reality means I help maintain the Inspiration perspective, rather than letting the response devolve into the Threat level. It's my choice, and my power to make that decision. I can only do this if I am aware and honest with myself.

Here's something most folks don't like to know. Insecurity has nothing to do anyone other than the individual it is affecting. It cannot be blamed on anyone else. Cannot be cured by anyone else. I have to own it, be aware of it, and then engage it. I have to engage the foundations behind why this or that makes feel insecure, makes me feel as if I have to defend myself. Awareness is the best tool in my arsenal to help me defuse and dismantle this emotional time bomb.

My vision of the Lioness is one of emotional security, one of complete self-possession. She knows fully who she is, what she's capable of and not, and accepts herself while still challenging herself to strive for better. The Lioness is not immune to self-doubt or occasional insecurity -- but she does not allow such emotions to make her into their puppet.

- Lioness (in training)

Strength and Vulnerability

Back in this post, I talked about The Wall which served to keep out most everything -- even the things that I'd like to actually get.

I'm one of these people whose body will express for me all those emotions that I don't want to express, or don't recognize. For years now, I've had problems with acid reflux and a chronic inability to clear my throat. I describe the reflux in terms of "I'm trying to swallow something which I just can't digest, and so the body is physically responding by producing more acid." That resonates as "correct" to me. Every time an emotional subject is broached, my throat literally shuts and I can't speak for a few moments, or the amount of crap in my throat instantly doubles and I end up coughing to no avail. It's like that metaphorical wall has become a physical situation, and if I continue to choose to ignore it or think it's normal for me (and therefore unimportant), it will only get worse.

I've been considering: how can I break down this wall? Then a thought popped into my head. I think this wall is made up of all the unshed tears, all the swallowed or unexpressed anger, and all the pain and heartbreak which I have experienced over a lifetime. I'm sure the mortar is full of thoughts which begin like "I shouldn't/should..." and "nice girls don't/do..." or "good girls are/aren't..."

From here, I realized that I need to express all those things I've refused to recognize. To get it out and finally let it all go. Egad! That's almost 40 years worth of denial and repression! The very thought scares me. I don't want to be an emotional basket case! I know that starting this process means inflicting my instability on the household - something I'm exceedingly reticent to do despite my husband now asking to see it. Even just thinking about it has my throat literally burning as I fight to keep all this mess contained. It's a terrifying prospect, but I also recognize that the limits are being reached already. My body is telling me "enough", especially judging by the amount of antacid I'm consuming and the near constant coughing that has no medical basis. I am horrified to find myself crying at sappy commercials with increasing frequency (note the 'horrified' response at uncontrollable emotional outbursts).

I know, deep down, this is something that I not only must do, but will do. That said, I am wondering about the timeline. Should I start now? Or wait until I have the house to myself in the afternoons? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of anger making up that wall, and if I feel like screaming or smashing things then I don't want to alarm the household. I need to feel free to express the emotions which belong to long past events. Concern for others will hamper this process, defeating it because I'll still be editing them.

I like to think of things this way: I cannot build on faulty foundations. The old, the broken, the unsound must first be cleared away. Only then can I start to search for my own Truth, for my genuine Strength.

The biggest impediment to all of this, to the goal of breaking down that Wall, is me. Bluntly put, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to ask for help. Why? Afraid of being seen as weak? As vulnerable? Or afraid of the power that lies behind all the denial? Afraid that once it's all cleared away, what emerges is truly exceptional. Afraid that when the hubby sees how emotional I am, he'll rethink things? I think it's all of them. They are all true, and they scare me.

The more I think about this, the more I realize this is not something I can truly do on my own. Recall that previous post about receptivity and a willingness to be vulnerable? My husband is excellent at helping people get in touch with themselves. I've seen it multiple times, and yet I've never asked him in earnest to do that for me. The first challenge is asking him, someone I care about deeply, for help, to push a hole through that wall large enough to be heard and be able to receive what is given.

In order for the lioness I see with my mind's eye to be as glorious as she has the potential for, she can't be hiding. And I'm still hiding.

- Lioness (in training)

An Unrecognized Benefit Of Job Allocation

Sunday was a bit of a breakthrough in terms of clear articulation. Like many women, I work full time and also take care of the 99% of the housework. I also live in extremely high traffic areas, so the traffic-free 20 minute commute turns out to be closer to a 1 hour with traffic commute. That means minimum 10 hours of my day are taken out by the work-a-day routine (8 + 2 hours of travel time). Add in dinner, which we usually eat out because I don't want to have to clean the kitchen, and that consumes another couple of hours. I'm down to 4 hours now to squeeze in everything else - social requirements, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, dusting, litterbox detail, paying bills, hobbies, and spending quality time with hubby. That's a lot. Really. Alas, it very often boils down to choosing what I consider to be the most important thing and actively letting the rest slide until I can make the time to do it.

I didn't have time to clean last week, so I wanted to do it this weekend. Saturday was just too full and so none of it got done. Sunday morning was likewise booked, leaving only Sunday evening with any amount of time to get stuff completed while I still had the energy to do it. Not having been able to spend time with me at all last week and this weekend, my hubby requested to spend Sunday evening with me. I chose him over chores, but had that axe hanging over my head, preventing me from really being 100% with him.

From talking with other women where I work, this is a pretty typical scenario. Throw kids into this mix and there's REALLY very little time or energy left for the men in our lives. Sunday was different because, for the first time, I was able to clearly articulate the primary benefit of me working in the home:

I can do all the things that I need to do while he's away at work, so that when he comes home I can choose to spend time with him without having any should-do's nagging at me.

Putting it that way to him caused him to smile and puff up. This is what he is giving me, and what I am giving him, the partnership in action. The next day he's talking to a friend of his at work who's wife is a certified nurse who chose to be a stay-at-home-mom-turned-housewife. When the fellow starting thinking about all the things that would have to be done after work if his wife ever opted to return to nursing, he realized there would be no time left to just be with her. He found that proposition completely unappealing. My hubby believes the man now has a whole new appreciation for the real benefits of all that his wife does because things were put into terms that he can clearly see. I have my job, he has his job, and we still have time for each other.

I must admit, it surprises me how much men seem to value just being with their chosen woman. If she doesn't have time for him because of everything else she's trying to do, that's really quite tragic -- for both of them. On her side, she's stressed and angry because she too wants to enjoy spending time with him and kids but there's always more to do. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. On his side, he's feeling neglected and unimportant to the one person he's chosen to commit his life to. This can degenerate into blame, resentment and anger. Truly, a tragedy in the making there! Throw in Hunter/Gatherer typical miscommunication of needs and this gets ugly fast when it doesn't need to be. My heart is breaking just thinking about it!

I know for me, being able to feel my frustration on Sunday and then put that frustration into clear words was very helpful. Now even I can see exactly what we're both gaining even as we choose to give up some income. I think it's totally worth it, as long as I learn the strategies available to make every penny count so that it doesn't feel like we're giving up anything. That'll challenge the Gatherer in me! hehe

- Lioness (in training)

A Deeper Look at What it Means to be Receptive

Having recently done the post about Receptivity and how many women (including myself) are terrible at accepting things, this is a topic now on my radar. As if by serendipity, a situation occurred a few days ago which really made the extent of this receptivity potential exceedingly obvious. My housemate ended up losing her set of work keys. She was understandably terribly upset about it. Seeing her distress, the contractor plumbers who work for her company said to bill them for the cost of the replacement - a more than $200 cost. She accepted.

I have to admit, I was blown away for multiple reasons. Firstly, the generosity of the offer had my jaw drop. That in itself was amazing. Secondly, these are older men who really like my housemate for the simple reason that she treats them with respect, and listens fully to what they have to say. There’s nothing else to this offer than “we like you, and don’t want to see you get in trouble at work over this incident.” That’s it. But what really and truly had me agog was that she actually accepted.

Her story got me to thinking about my post on ‘receptivity is quintessentially feminine’ in a new way, to a greater depth. I tried to imagine myself in her position, asking "would I have been able to accept?" The answer is, unfortunately, no. I could not have accepted. Not 'would not', but 'could not' have accepted. Trying to imagine it, the gift offered was literally too large to have squeezed through the small chink in my armour. A compliment? Sure, that's easy. It's tiny, for the most part. But larger? No way. That would have physically hurt, and I came to the sudden realization that in the process of rejecting their sincere offer that I would have demonstrated to those guys to never again attempt to help me in any personally meaningful way. That was an entirely new revelation to me.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since then, wondering how many gifts have been offered to me over the years that I literally didn’t even see?  I want to be able to recognize all the things that my husband WANTS to do for me but right now I am blind to. I am now fairly sure that I regularly reject his offerings simply because I can't see them, and this hurt me to think that I am inadvertantly rejecting him in any way. For illustration, I see myself standing behind a giant wall. In this wall is a tiny little hole. Only things which can fit through that hole are recognizable as gifts. Anything larger is either flat ignored because it’s not even reasonable to imagine, or it’s recognized and rejected for being too large, too generous. Accepting it would mean that I’d have to enlarge the hole, a process which is both painful and leaves me open to being wounded.

This image lead me back to an older idea, revamped a bit. There is another thing that I think is quintessentially feminine, and it is often unrecognized or unspoken. That thing is a willingness to be vulnerable. It’s what makes a woman ‘soft’ in appearance. I’m still working on articulating this better, on how to work with it, but it feels like I’m on a right path there. Being open to receiving gifts means simultaneously open to being abused, hurt , used. It takes a powerful woman, a  truly self-confident woman, a Lioness, to recognize this, to know this, and still choose to remain open to all the positives despite the potential negatives.  A child is open because she hasn’t learned yet of the dangers. A woman chooses to remain open because she understands her own strength. Few women do know and trust in their own inner strength, and so fewer and fewer experienced women are willing to make themselves vulnerable anymore. In doing so, they are rejecting everything, even the best that men have to offer.

I’m still working out how to go about opening myself in this way, to being able to recognize and receive graciously yet without expectation. But then, that’s the whole point of this blog – learning how to be that Lioness. The first step was seeing what I've seen. Now to take the opportunties which abound to find ways to learn how to trust my own strength.

- Lioness (in training)

Hunters and Gatherers - "Just Getting Home" Needs Are NOT the Same

One of the best things that Alison Armstrong ever gave to my husband and me is a way of communicating our way of doing things in a manner that the other could understand. That language is all things related to the Hunter and Gatherer. I have to say, it's quite wonderful to actually understand why men and women are doing what they are doing. It's even better to be able to articulate it.

Alison clearly has the whole "Hunters’ need their transition time to go from Work Mode into Home Mode.” That transition time is solitary, does NOT include any talking, and takes about 20-30 minutes or longer (depending on the guy and the day). What she doesn't talk about is the Gatherer's need for this same thing, but the mechanism is very different.

My husband is extremely conscious to always ask "How was your day?" and then force himself to sit and listen to whatever spews forth. Long ago, he told me that he learned the hard way, with his first wife, that this was a required question. If he did ask, when she was finished he could then have his quiet time that he needed, and the rest of the evening was good. However, if he forgot to ask, or was too tired to force himself to listen to her 'rambles', then the evening would not go well because she’d chase him down and insist on telling him of her day.

A few days ago, my husband forgot to inquire how my housemate's day was because he was excited about his own project and I was not there for her to talk to. She realized sometime later that she was very discombobulated and out of sorts, feeling overlooked and minimized. As she was examining this response the next day and we were talking about it, this idea popped into my head: "Well, of course. You're a Gatherer! After a long day out picking berries, you've just arrived back home from your foray, and you needed to empty your basket, needed to share with everybody all that you found, where you found it, what else might be there, etc." If a Gatherer can’t share her basket, then she gets the idea that her goodies are actually just rotten berries, and she feels bad. Suddenly it all clicked.

I've heard so many men complain about being accosted by their wives when they get home and she just wants to talk, wants to "natter on" about all the minutiae that happened to her that day. For his part, he just wants to unwind and relax now that he's home and he can't do that when she's talking to him incessantly. He's trying to unwind by being quiet, and she won't let him. He's getting resentful that she's not respecting his needs, and she's getting angry that she's being 'ignored' and feels unheard, feels as if what she has to share is unimportant. Compound this by years and you get some ugliness -- needless ugliness.

This is a typical Hunter/Gatherer conflict of needs, and yet easily worked with IF recognized. From within this paradigm, our house now has a new language which is being implemented as a result of this observation. It's very simple. Here's the scenario -- we've been apart doing whatever we need to do for the day (work, school, etc) and now are meeting up in the evening.

"Honey, I am dying to empty my basket. It'll take maybe X minutes. Is now a good time?" I am fully prepared for a no answer, and that's fine. Why? Because I know that he may very well need to do his thing first, so that he's not distracted by work worries and thus can't pay attention to me. It also lets him know that I need his attention, but am asking for it when he’s emotionally available to give it to me.

"I need to get out of 'kill the deer' mode so that I can be fully at home. It'll take me about Y minutes. After that, I can listen to you for as long as you need." Here's the key thing that many women might have a hard time with - leave him ALONE during this. That's very important! Since I know that for me, feeling as if my basket of goodies is important enough to warrant his attention is essential to me, then I'm perfectly happy to give him the time that he needs to actually have the energy to listen. If I interupt him, the process has to start again. Deny the temptation to peek in and say "are you done yet?" and you'll discover (as I did) that he'll come find you when he's ready to be with you. In the end, we both get what we need but in a manner that respects each other’s basic nature.

- Lioness (in training)

Commitment as a by-product of single-focus awareness

It is now official. I have turned in my notice at work. My last day will be December 31, allowing for my insurance to run out and for the new family plan to take over on the 1st.

I hadn't quite realized one key difference in my mindset versus my husband's on this particular point until just today, as I was relaying the news and noticing his 'yeah, and?' reaction. We've been talking about this, planning the finances and whatnot, for nearly a year. Comparing our different emotional responses to the notice being officially given, I just realized today that in his mind, it was already a done deal. For me, it wasn't a done deal until I had talked to my boss and put a date on things. I felt a sense of relief at having done so today, a sense of "finally! I'm doing something! Here we go..." For me, until that was done, I could still change my mind - that option was still there and as long as that was the scenario then I wasn't COMMITTED (all caps, bold, underline, italics) to it yet, but this was so not the case in his mind. In his mind, I had committed to it a long time ago and what remained was the formality of it.

In talking to him after I talked to my boss, I was surprised that he was so matter-of-fact. At first I was confused, but then something that Alison talked about came to mind: "Men aren't at all afraid of commitment." In fact, because of their single-focus outlook, when they decide to do something they do that something with everything they have, because it's the ONLY thing they are doing. Women, with their diffuse awareness, don't think this way at all. Even when I'm doing a task, I'm thinking of other tasks. I will never again consider any man 'afraid of commitment' as a generalized concept. He might not want to commit to this person, or that idea, or a specific course of action, or he may be waiting to make that commitment based on the fullment of this or that provider related ability he doesn't think is ready yet, but he's not afraid of commitment in general. Commitment is a core, fundamental aspect of what it means to be single-focused!

Today was the first time, with just a few simple words, that this concept was really and truly illustrated to me. It 'sunk in', as it were.

I can't even conceive of doing just one thing, of being actively aware of just one thing (at least for more than a short period of time), let alone truly grasp what it would mean to commit myself to that task to the exclusion of all else. This is not to say that I am incapable of commitment, hardly. It's just so ... abundant. I am committed to many things, all at the same time -- right now. No wonder the hubby gets frustrated with all my interests. He imagines I think in the same way that he does, and that when I say "I want to do this" I actually mean "I will do this to the exclusion of all other things; all other interests will drop away and become a mere footnote in comparison to THIS one".

I am learning to appreciate what it truly means to be single-focused, or least to recognize the benefits and limitations so that they can be reasonably worked with. Previously, like many women, I denigrated it. I thought it was the sign of a small or limited mind. Through this work here, and I'm only just beginning, that bias is now gone. It's interesting. The idea is that we, quite naturally as human beings, ascribe to someone else our own thought process and assume that other people think about things or see the world in the same way that we do. The classic statement for someone caught in this trap is "you should just know!!" Another classic statement is the "it's clearly obvious why I did such, so I shouldn't have to explain it". Now that I see this and do genuinely recognize that we definitely think entirely differently, I’m left to wonder how should I handle this?

My first plan of action will be to never ever assume that I understand why he’s doing something. Leaping to conclusions as to his motivations is unhelpful and leads to an adversarial situation. Instead, when I am unsure as to why or when he responds in a way that has me feeling strange, those are my emotional cues that I need to ask him why he did such and such. But asking is easy. The hard part is listening, and I mean LISTENING, to what he says. Whatever he says, I cannot take it personally. It’s not about me, it’s about him. Because I can step into new mindsets relatively easily, it’ll be easier for me to understand and work with his paradigm than it would be the reverse. I also need to ensure that I’m safe for him to talk to, and that means he has to know through experience that he won’t be attacked for being honest with me. Fortunately, we already have a long history of this but it's never been consciously undertaken by me before. Now, I need to make my awareness of his different mindset an active part of the many things that I keep track of.

- Lioness (in training)

Single-Focus and Diffuse Awareness

I want to do a post, but before I can I need to bring in the contrasting types of awareness. They are, as usual, things that Alison Armstrong talks about extensively.

Men have Single-Focus -- meaning they focus on one result at a time. It makes them excellent hunters and long-term planners. They decide what to focus on and stay on task for years. In her illustration, when a man is watching TV, he is ONLY watching TV. He cannot watch TV AND ignore the woman next to him. If he's actively ignoring her, he's not watching TV.

Women have what she called Diffuse Awareness, and it's what enables the gatherer to keep track of where dozens of berry bushes are, where the kids are, where the other gatherers are, what needs to be done for dinner, etc. Here is a short 2 minute video which she has on her website that explains it beautifully:

Receptivity is Quintessentially Feminine

My in-laws have a pretty impressive fruit tree orchard containing 80+ different types of trees scattered around their property. Lemons, apples, grapefruit, grapes, pears, oranges... You name it, they likely have some variant of it. They always have far more fruit than they can possibly eat, so I figured I'd ask for a basket full of their lemons and try some dehydrating techniques I've read about. We'll see how that goes!

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I've been wrestling with how best to proceed on my quest to recover the majesty of the feminine. It struck me that I first need to understand what qualities are considered Feminine, so I thought maybe I'd explore that idea. It's funny how life brings us what we need when we need it.

Alison Armstrong has a new book out called Making Sense of Men. While watching the Between the Lines interview she did, she said something which really hit home for me. Here is the quote from that episode:

"Receptivity is a feminine quality. Unfortunately, between work and the Women's Movement and our culture and that women are highly adaptive... Women, without even thinking about it will become whatever is valued. What's valued in our culture is productivity, so women have become masculinized. So even though receptivity is quintessentially feminine, most women have lost touch with their femininity. So they have become lousy at receiving: at receiving pleasure, receiving gifts, receiving compliments, receiving care, receiving attention. We've just become lousy at it. We're being men, we're being the providers, which doesn't leave men any room to be men."

As she spoke, I could literally feel what she was talking about, feel it as an energetic tightness in my chest. My dad once stated that I had a PMS shield which all men would bounce off of - and for the first time, I understood viscerally what he was talking about. All the examples of attempted giving that I could come up with were accompanied by rebuffs of the attempted gift.

"You look good in that shirt." -- "No, it makes me look fat."

"I can provide for you." -- "I don't need you to provide for me. I can contribute as well as you can."

I've long had the ideal of working from home. I think one of the key reasons I could never really decide on a career is that I thought (really deep down!) that the one I really wanted was closed to me. "You can be anything you want to be, except a woman." I can be female, no problem -- but not a Woman, and most DEFINITELY not a woman who works to take care of her man. Taking care of CHILDREN, that's acceptable, laudable, admirable. A female can do that. But the concept of taking care of her man??!? Ludicrous. Those women, those ... housewives (say it with a degree of disgust for full effect), are stupid, lazy, unambitious, beaten down females who do not value themselves. They are users of the worst order. They are lesser.

At least that was the rhetoric I picked from popular media growing up in the 70s and 80s, reiterated and expanded in the 90s and on. Well, I'm certainly intelligent, far from lazy, very ambitious and woe to the fool who tries to beat me down! Therefore, I had to have a Career ... which I didn't really want. Damn it.

The problem is that I never wanted A (single) career. I'm a multitasker, and my attention goes all over the place. Trying to pick just one thing that would hold my attention for a lifetime... Impossible! It's one reason why I've had so many varied 'careers', from software analyst to wedding consultant. I don't want to do just one thing, and what I really want to do isn't done in an office! Here is a smattering of the things I've wanted to do: train dogs and horses; spin/dye/work with fiber; make patterns and sew clothing; write romance novels; and so much more! All of these can easily be Careers, but I don't want to dedicate 8 hours per day to any single one of them. It's very difficult for me to maintain that level of focus, especially over multiple years. If my Career were housewife, then making sure my man could do his job of providing to the best of our collective ability, this path then opens the door to me being able to do all the things I want to do, in the doses that I want to do them. If they are fresh, I have more energy and enthusiasm to work. I get stuff done! But there's so much else to do that I can happily putter around and do it all, without the oppressive weight of needing to define any single one thing as a Career. The Career is housewife, and to do it well requires a whole lot of varied and diverse skills and knowledges.

Hearing Alison say what she said about receptivity was, for me, a major shift point. I could suddenly see myself and my denied/repressed motivations more clearly. She was dead right - I was receptively challenged. What I deep down wanted and what I thought I should want were in conflict, and always have been.

It was ... liberating to hear her say it. Validating. I recalled my earliest post in which I stated that by leaving the work force I was voluntarily crippling myself. Now, I have to chuckle at myself. This was an expression of the conflict - I wanted to accept the gift offered, but I believed that I could not. I believed that accepting it made me lesser, but that didn't feel right. I was tearing myself apart with this! But hearing this show segment, and by allowing the impact of what she said to really sink in, by allowing myself to unfurl so that I could honestly and without internal conflict receive the gift being offered completely changed the way that I think. Accepting a gift doesn't make me lesser. It makes me greater, and it opens the way for both of us to be greater still. A line in my last post suddenly resonated more strongly:

It is only by working together that they have the possibility of reaching their potential as individuals.

As I was processing all of this and trying to figure out how to approach it in a blog, a phrase popped into my mind:

Behind every Great Man, is a Great Woman.

I am striving to be Great, in my own way. Significant to me. I am very ambitious, but not in terms of a typical career. This trait of mine means I would never settle for a man who did not himself possess the potential for Greatness. My hubby has it, in spades, as well as the ambition to reach for it. It's why I admire him so, and I see it as my job to accept him, to inspire him, to support him so that he can manifest what I see in him. He has the focus and the dedication to that single task which I will never have, and don't want. By working together, each leveraging our inborn strengths for the benefit of our family, we can be far more successful together than we can be separately.

He's already commented that he's seen a change in my outlook. Considering that we've known each other for almost a decade, that sudden change surprised him, and he's a leery but he very much likes it. I will continue working on my ability to receive with genuine sincerity.

One thing I will state is that "receptive" is not synonymous with "passive". I do not think for a second that Femininity is meekly passive. There is too much power there to be passive, too much to do. Neither is being receptive about being greedy or being a leech. If you are associating qualities similar to these when you think about what it means to be receptive, those are incredibly damaging.

The next time some man compliments you, let those words sink in. Feel them penetrate and spread throughout your body. They carry with them a soft warmth. In response, smile and say simply, sincerely, "Thank you." When that little negative voice in your head tries to find fault, put imaginary duct tape over her mouth. Do not ask for anything else. Just accept what has been offered and go on about your day. It's really amazing how uplifting that accepting even a small compliment or act of kindness can make me feel.

- Lioness (in training)

The Majesty of the Feminine

Some friends responded to the last post in such a way as to point out something which could easily be inferred that I in no way intended.

The idea that being the muse means the feminine is passive, or weak, or just standing around expecting to be admired is most definitely not what I'm pursuing or even considered possible. Indeed, this is just the opposite of what I picture my goal to be.

I chose the Lioness as the energetic feel that I would aspire to because the Lioness is a great and powerful being. She does not sit around waiting for the lion to fawn over her, nor does she expect that the lion will sing sonnets to her simply because she's a female. She is in no way passive, or retiring, or a wilting flower waiting to be rescued. The Lioness is no damsel in distress, and any lion who tries to make her into one so that he can play the part of the hero will get his head taken off at the shoulders.

No. The Lioness is magnificent, in her own right.

She is powerful and strong.  

She is caring and nurturing.

She will not hesitate to put the lion in his place when he needs it.

But most of all, she is his Partner, and he is hers. It is only by working together that they have the possibility of reaching their potential as individuals. This is the part so often overlooked.

In fact, I believe that in order for the Feminine to truly BE inspirational, she MUST be powerful. She has to be all that she is capable of being. She has to know who she is, what she will and will not tolerate, and yet be willing to push herself even further. At the same time, she has to know that the lion is not a Lioness with more hair. He thinks differently, sees the world differently, has different priorities and goals, and that's ok. She knows this, and accepts him for who he is, without blaming him for being a lion. A lion genuinely worthy of her greatness will be inspired by it and become great himself, not seek to tear down or wimpify her. The Lioness will accept nothing less.

That combination is a tall order, but that's my goal. That's the entire point of this journey.

- Lioness (in training)

"Yes, I would die for ya baby; But you won’t do the same"

For this journey, I have 2 primary hero(ine)s and guides.

First up is my husband. Fortunately, we are both very cerebral. We love talking about everything, and anything. Not just surface, but digging around within the roots of the ideas to see what we can do to make those ideas personally applicable and therefore even more meaningful/useful. For this journey into enhancing the relationship between the genders, he's going to be an invaluable guide and guinea pig.

Second up is Alison Armstrong, the lady who founded Celebrating Men/Satisfying Women. Most everything I'll be talking about comes from her work, though it's all been through the discussion wringer with the hubby and it's also been modified by my own sociological and psychological studies over the years. I'll be quoted Alison extremely often and I've urged every single woman I've ever even come into contact with the study Alison's work. It's vital. There is soooo much needless suffering on the part of both genders over simple, easily avoidable communication differences that it just breaks my heart.

After I wrote that very long Background piece, something struck me. It was like a light bulb went off and I could see the original hurt which has been festering unrecognized in the hearts of western women for centuries. The truly shocking part? Men had no idea. I talked about it with the hubby and he did one of those unconscious body reeling back moves, blinked as he processed it, and was completely baffled. "I can see it, but ... it doesn't make sense." Not to the Male mind!

What the heck am I talking about?

Okay. Throw yourself back before the Industrial Revolution. If you've studied anything about that phenomenon, you'll realize it was largely a textile revolution. Documentation of the time illustrates that the women of the home, who could do weaving and spinning AT home, were valuable contributors to the success of the household. There are plenty of images of women pulling plows and doing all manner of work, as needed, around the farm. Suddenly, almost overnight, everything that a woman could take pride in as being a contributor, vanished. Cotton gin, automated looms, mechanical spinning wheels. These made her contribution ... pointless. She goes from being a valued member of the household to being a servant.

Shifting away from an agrarian culture to an industrial one not only rendered her at-home contributions moot, they also took the man away. In Germanic culture, of which English is a direct descendant, has a very, very long history of women following their men. Unlike other cultures in which the women stayed behind and the men assimilated into their new homelands by taking native wives (look at the Vikings, the French, the Spanish, etc), the Germanic cultures expected their women to follow. And woe unto any man who thought his woman would willingly stay behind! As the Germanics invaded the British Isles, they conquered so thoroughly and so brutally that the place name of London is about the only native one left. This is a classic sign of the natives being not only defeated, but wiped out - or at least completely dispossessed. There's no one left to ask "what's this river called?", leaving the new conquerors the task of naming everything. You don't get that level of conquering without having your women following in the wake of that destruction. Flash forward to the 1400/1500s and you see images of the feared German mercenaries, and right behind them were their women, massive baskets on their backs, trudging after their men folk all over Europe on campaign. We're not talking washerwomen here, we're talking wives as well. This mindset is seen again during the colonizing of the New World, in which the working women went right along with their men (Germania settled in 1714, for example). Given that, does it make sense that these Germanic women would suddenly abandon that tradition? Or does it make more sense that she would continue to follow in the footsteps of her man? He goes off to work, guess what? She wants to go off to work too. Insulting her with that Weaker Sex crap is just going to piss her off, and that's exactly what it did.

I know that's terribly broad strokes, but I'm trying to find a generalized mindset. I'm of Germanic heritage, and so that Cultural Shadow is buried deep, influencing me as long as I do not fully recognize it.

So - back to the industrial/textile revolution. From her perspective, all her jobs other than raising the kids and cleaning/cooking have now been devalued. It also means she is now wholly dependant on what he decides to bring home, because she can no longer support herself, and the law is not on her side. If he dies? *shudder* It's easy then to not recognize the value in what remains, to feel overall devalued, childishly dependant, to lose a great deal of self-respect. This combination can easily lead to resentment. From HER perspective.

Reading Alison's book "Keys to the Kingdom", she made a statement about the post WWII refusal to go back to being dependant. The hubby paused and said "That's not right." We launched into a discussion about the man's idea that life is a series of jobs. Whoever can do that job best is the one who should do it. Then the men went off to war, and since he served in combat arms he knows full well how much the men needed to go home to their women and try to resume some semblance of 'normal'. And when they get home, guess what? Those women refused. As he spoke, I could catch a glimpse of the gender shadow sense of betrayal in what he was saying. From HIS perspective, she had never been devalued. Her role as inspiration, motivation, the very reason for doing anything at all, for striving to be a better man, is what she contributes most. And by focusing instead on working, from his (generalized) perspective, she (generalized) walked off the job.

Wow. All of that coalesced for me and I could hear the woman's gender shadow grumbling irately. I want self-respect, dignity, to feel valued.

Oddly enough, I've never asked him what he wants. I thought I knew. So asked him, "What do YOU value that I can provide?" I was stunned by the answer. It took me quite a while to wrap my head around it. REALLY? THAT?!? It never once crossed my mind, and even hearing it, it still didn't make sense.

What am I talking about? I've already mentioned it:

"Her role as inspiration, motivation, the very reason for doing anything at all, for striving to be a better man, is what she contributes most."

As one fellow said, "look at who has been dying for who all these millennia, and tell me you honestly think men don't value women." Bruno Mars says largely the same thing in his song Grenade:

To give me all your love
is all I ever asked,
'Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won’t do the same

I have to wonder why. What is it about women in general, as an abstract concept, that has men willing to do that? Is this the true power of the Feminine?

"All I want to do is to make you happy. Genuinely, gushingly, overflowingly happy. Whatever it takes, that's what I'd do."

Am I (Woman) really that powerful a muse? If so, why have I devalued it? Why can't I see that within myself? Most importantly, how can I reclaim, nay, embody that aspect of the Feminine consciously?

This is my journey. And now you know where I'm starting from. Walk with me.

- Lioness (in training)

Insecurity -- The Great Destroyer

I'm going to interrupt the flow I had planned to bring you this. It's a situation I'm dealing with now, and I figured I'd seize the opportunity while the emotions and thoughts are still so surface.

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I was in my early 20s when I ran into my first very intense emotional relationship. Boy was I ill-equipped to handle that level of emotion. While I knew even entering it that it wouldn't last for a host of reasons, the emotions quickly overwhelmed any sense of reason or perspective. I ran smack into the wall of Insecurity. It was the very first time for me, and it completely knocked me off balance. Considering how off-balance I was from the extremity of the feelings already, this additional knock sent me careening off the edge and into a personal abyss.

Because of my own wake-up call with this aspect of myself, I started to look around and became very aware of how it manifested in me and those I've known. I have to say that, in my experience, Insecurity is perhaps the single most destructive force that people wrestle with - men and women, but mostly women seem to express it in this way. The horrible irony is that most often those who are feeling insecure turn to someone else for reassurance, and nothing our partners can say or do will ever fix this problem.

Why?

Insecurity means that one feels ... without foundations. In-Secure. Cast adrift. Without an anchor. Having nothing or little upon which to find stability. Like they are standing up in a canoe.

Given this, no matter what anyone in our lives may tell us -- from parents and siblings to friends and partners -- that lack of feeling secure is untouched, unaltered. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to figure this one out: No one can GIVE another person security. Personal security is born from the realization of our own strength and capacity to handle ... life. To go back to the canoe -- no else can stabilize the canoe, we have to sit down on our own and take control of the craft.

No matter how times we ask "does this make my butt look big?", we're not going to like or accept the answer if insecurity run riot. No amount of reassurances will touch this insecurity, because it's an internal state which has nothing to do with someone else. Not really.

I have a friend who, right now, is paddling around within so much insecurity she's nearly drowning herself. I've thrown her lifelines, I've talked until I'm blue in the face, I've consoled, I've hugged. Nothing really helps. She has to find her own strength, and I can't help her find that. I can only encourage. It's like I'm standing on the shore shouting "you have to sit down and pick up the oar! stop flailing like that! you'll knock yourself in!" but she's too far away. She can't hear me.


What does this have to do with being the Lioness? With being an Empowered Feminine?

Empowerment is incompatible with Insecure. I cannot be full of my power when I refuse (or fail) to recognize that I have that power. I cannot be empowered when I'm blaming someone else for my problem, or berating them for not knowing how to fix something they cannot fix.

A great many strongly negative emotions are rooted in Insecurity. Everything from jealousy to the need to control everything around us, all of that stems from Insecurity. The men in our lives will move mountains for us if we have the faith in them, but they can't do a damn thing to help with Insecurity. All the platitudes, assurances, promises and actions will fall on deaf ears because the Insecure cannot accept them. Cannot. Flat CAN NOT.

And when he moves on, trying to find someone who will actually believe how sincere he is, guess who gets the blame? Guess who's Insecurity seizes on this, entrenching itself even further now that it's found the validation sought?

I wish I could shake some sense in people sometimes. But I can't. I have only my words.

- the Lioness (in training)

Some Background

Before I can start really exploring this concept, I have to lay the groundwork of where my thinking is coming from. Then I'll have to outline what language I'll be using. This post will be the background of my thinking, why I am where I am in terms of thought. Warning: I'll be painting with a very broad brush, and will be speaking in terms of concepts rather than individual instances. I'm looking at the Story Arc for western civilization, not attempting to give a history lesson.

I am a student of History. My BA is in history, and many of my hobbies revolve around history. The aspect of the study of history that I thoroughly enjoyed the most is what one teacher termed Historiography. It's studying how history was recorded through time, but from this you can see larger trends. I can literally see the unfolding of the modern concept of What Is. It's like watching the waves at the beach. You can guess how far up the beach the wave will go based on the subtle cues seen in the swell. What is recorded in history are those subtle swells, and I can follow those swells through literally centuries to see it unfolding. It's quite fascinating, all things considered. Despite the fact that we only live 70-90 years, we are carrying the emotional weight of our ancestors, expressing what they felt and passed on to us. Jung would term this the Cultural Shadow.

Bear in mind, I'm mostly looking at the BULK of humanity - the working class. The upper class women had their own challenges, but they were in the minority.

I view today's position between the Masculine and Feminine as a direct result of the last couple of hundred years. The Industrial Revolution, started in the 1700s, saw a fundamental and irrevocable shift in the way that wage earning was accomplished. Before this, women could work from the home while earning income. Now that was no longer the case. If a woman wanted to earn money, she had to leave the home to go to the factory. Her spinning wheel and loom were no longer sufficient. For those who opted to remain in the home, it was the men who earned money, leaving her more dependant on her mate than ever before. The legal system backed this up, making her a virtual slave (from her point of view). As the Victorian Era unfolded, the view of women shifted from simply the Fairer Sex to the more angering and patronizing Weaker Sex perspective. Throughout this time, everyday life was shifting dramatically. Women became more active (see all the images of engaging in bicycle riding or ice skating, not to mention the growing presence of women in the factory), and started to gain more a sense that they were being treated unfairly.

This sense bears witness to the growth and proliferation of the various Women's Movements of the mid to late 1800s, culminating in the infamous corset burnings (echoed some decades later with the bra burnings) and the Suffragette movement (suffrage means the right to vote, not suffering!) marching en masse down the streets. These movements culminated in women being granted the right to vote in the US in 1920. One women's historian even said the vote was granted as a "reward" for supporting the war effort. A very pat-on-the-head view there, as patronizing and degrading as anything said by the Victorian man.

Of course, I am agog that one of the first things women did with their new political power was institute ... Prohibition. That boggles my mind. I have no rational explaination for how on earth this abomination came about, and can only think that men were browbeaten into it. Eventually men stood back up and demanded their beer back, and it was granted.

The Depression and the resourcefulness it demanded of women as well as the vulnerability it exposed in terms of the one-wage income household is something that is often overlooked when it comes to setting the stage for the next step in women's attempt to regain their dignity and self-respect. Then we get into WWII. Anyone recall Rosie the Riveter? 

This image is a direct challenge to the lingering Victorian concept that women are the Weaker Sex. When the men come home from war, women began to refuse the concept of subjugation/dependance and remained in the work force. The 1950s proliferation of shows like Leave It To Beaver were a direct attempt to glorify the homemaker/breadwinner concept of Family, something we today mistakenly think is the Way Things Were rather than an attempt to sell a way of life. The birth of modern Wiccan is around here, in which the Goddess is glorified and magnified at the expense of her subservient and largely superfluous God.

By now, the Masculine is swallowing his sense of betrayal and his confusion. He still wants only to Make Her Happy, and if this is what she wants, he'll do his best to give it to her.

The 60's saw the Free Love movement, and this was pretty much continued in the 70's. "I am Woman. Hear me roar." This is a refrain from the 1970s, an era I would point to as the height of the Furious and Wounded Feminine. In her fury and pain, she lashed out in attack of the Masculine. An attack that was, for the most part, accepted. Books published in that time are rife with statements about how oppressive and unjust and (insert negative comment here) the Masculine had been treating the Feminine for thousands of years. The Wounded Feminine, as wounded often do, sought to reclaim her power by attacking and devaluing the source of her pain. As if only a crippled lion would be unthreatening to the lioness.

In the 80s, there was the birth of the Unisex movement, attempting to deny completely that there was any sort of fundamental difference in the genders, a further insult but this time to both genders. The retail store Guess is perhaps the ultimate expression of this -- "Guess if the wearer of our clothing is male or female. Go ahead! Guess." Here is where I'd point to the birth of the metrosexual man -- the feminized masculine. In the 90s, this absurdity of 'no difference between the genders' was starting to be reversed. Now, that's not so much questioned anymore that they are indeed fundamentally different in their wiring.

A lot of the anger of the last century or two, at least on the part of women, is starting to wane. The Wounded Feminine is not quite so inflamed anymore. She's starting to look around and see the damage that's been done. But only starting. She has yet to ask the Masculine "how do YOU see the last few centuries??" There's a lot of anger now simmering in the Masculine. If we don't want the pendulum to just be swinging back and forth between who is more loudly abusing the other, we have to stop.

We've had over 300 years to find the equilibrium that the Industrial Revolution shattered, and we've made a bit of a mess in the process. The rapidly developing nations, which don't have the luxury of centuries to work out these fundamental isues, will understandably have some severe problems if no real guidance or at least support/validation is available.

Please do not think for even one moment that I believe everything which has been done is 'bad'. HARDLY!!!! A TREMENDOUS amount of extremely positive things have been done in the last few centurues, and they should be guarded and treasured. But it's time to stop attacking men.

Only the weak seek power by attacking those around them. Only the weak need to break another in order to feel in control. It is my position that I CANNOT be empowered if that position rests on the back of a broken other. The Lioness is not a real lioness if the lion of the pride lies bleeding and broken on the ground. Half of the strength of the whole of what it means to BE a lion is invalidated by such a stupid move. That's not what it means to be strong, and it definitely doesn't mean that I am empowered only when my partner cowers before me.

By the same token, no lion is truly powerful if the lioness cowers before him, is afraid of him, avoids him, has no claws or teeth left with which to even defend herself. Such a one is a weak lion. Not a ruler, but a coward terrified of the power of his mate. We've spent the last few centuries informing the lion that we will no longer cower, and he in turn recoiled and accepted our anger. But enough is enough. To continue the beratement is to invite the retaliation.

It's time for the Lion to be a Lion, and the Lioness to be a Lioness. Partners, Equal but Different.

-- the Lioness (in training)

Welcome to the Playground

Hello folks. I could ramble on about who I am - background and whatnot - but I don't think it really matters. If it does, I'll include that in the relevant post and move on.

What does matter is what I'm planning to do with this blog. My goal is to rediscover the art of making a home. Nay, the very art of what it means to be a fully realized Woman. For some reason which utterly eludes me, most modern western women have decided that being a woman means ... acting like a man.

"Did she just say that??"

*chuckles* I did. We've had a few centuries of some rather major shifting and western culture has been trying to muddle through, figuring out how to function as we move from Agricultural to Industrial to Post-Industrial life. This is painting with an awfully broad brush, but the entire process of Industrialization has been very hard from a cultural point of view. One has only to look at poor India and China as they try to rush through 200 years of social evolution in a single generation. No wonder fundamentalist religions are taking off! That's too much change, too fast. Even in our society, the result of this transformation is that the relations between the genders has become a War of the Sexes.

That's ... horrifying! I recall a story in which an anthropologist was living with the Bushmen of Africa. She asked them who was more important to the well-being of the tribe: men or women. The Bushmen laughed at the absurdity of the question and replied "neither." They spoke of the lion pride, asking which was more important: the lion, or the lioness. Their jobs were different, but both were required and vital in order to actually BE lions.

With that story in mind, I look at my own culture and see way too many lionesses wearing false manes. I've had to wear one for too long and am now fortunate enough to have a lion who supports my desire to be a lioness. I know there are a great many other women who are uncomfortable in their fake mane. I'm not alone on that one. But I don't think that trashing the choices others have made is an acceptable way to change things. Instead, I'll just share my journey with you.

I'm still a working woman, my current job is as a software analyst. The goal is to leave work at the end of this year, and that time frame is approaching very quickly. The preparation time has been used to establish the post-leave budget as well as sussing out what it MEANS to be a home maker. We don't have kids, and have no plans for kids. That means my entire focus will be on the welfare of this home, my husband and myself.

In this post Feminism era, there are an increasing number of women staying home to raise the kids. Almost all of my peers that I went to high school with have done this and it has now become largely acceptable. But the keyphrase here is "to raise the kids". Like my own mother, once that job is done they are expecting to have to put back on their false mane and get out there to earn some money. I hear conversations like "before the kids, I did this" and "after the kids, I plan to do this." As if life has to stop to raise the kids, as if while doing that quintessentially feminine role, they don't really count. That time, though well spent, is not socially acceptable in terms of how we define ourselves. I can only imagine the blank stares I'll get as I say "I don't work outside the home, and I don't have kids". In middle class America, this will make me a non-entity to other women. They'll have pictures of me sitting at home watching day time soaps and whiling away the hours uselessly. Afterall, they manage to work and maintain the home just fine (ignore the hairballs, or the haggard expressions, or the fast food dinners, or the ever expanding girth from eating so much crap).

That is also a perception I will have to deprogram within myself. I keep hitting the insecurity that by leaving the working world, I'm making myself dependent on him. What if something happens? There'll be a break in my resume! Am I willingly crippling myself?? It'll be hard to spin "homemaker", won't it? But knowing this is a possibility, and having all the wonderful legal rights we now have thanks to the fighting of our forebears, I can include independence in my work. True the lion serves to protect the pride, but even without him the lionesses are hardly wimpy! But the lionesses have their sisters to help them. Our insular family structure isolates us. Considering this, my plans have to include how to protect my capacity to earn a living in this modern world.

In essence, I won't be throwing away my false mane. It'll be there, in my closet, should I need it again. Hopefully, it won't. Journey with me as I learn the pitfalls and joys as well as face the fury that I've somehow 'betrayed' womankind, all in the effort to reclaim what it truly means to be a Woman.

-- the Lioness (in training)