One of the best things that Alison Armstrong ever gave to my husband and me is a way of communicating our way of doing things in a manner that the other could understand. That language is all things related to the Hunter and Gatherer. I have to say, it's quite wonderful to actually understand why men and women are doing what they are doing. It's even better to be able to articulate it.
Alison clearly has the whole "Hunters’ need their transition time to go from Work Mode into Home Mode.” That transition time is solitary, does NOT include any talking, and takes about 20-30 minutes or longer (depending on the guy and the day). What she doesn't talk about is the Gatherer's need for this same thing, but the mechanism is very different.
My husband is extremely conscious to always ask "How was your day?" and then force himself to sit and listen to whatever spews forth. Long ago, he told me that he learned the hard way, with his first wife, that this was a required question. If he did ask, when she was finished he could then have his quiet time that he needed, and the rest of the evening was good. However, if he forgot to ask, or was too tired to force himself to listen to her 'rambles', then the evening would not go well because she’d chase him down and insist on telling him of her day.
A few days ago, my husband forgot to inquire how my housemate's day was because he was excited about his own project and I was not there for her to talk to. She realized sometime later that she was very discombobulated and out of sorts, feeling overlooked and minimized. As she was examining this response the next day and we were talking about it, this idea popped into my head: "Well, of course. You're a Gatherer! After a long day out picking berries, you've just arrived back home from your foray, and you needed to empty your basket, needed to share with everybody all that you found, where you found it, what else might be there, etc." If a Gatherer can’t share her basket, then she gets the idea that her goodies are actually just rotten berries, and she feels bad. Suddenly it all clicked.
I've heard so many men complain about being accosted by their wives when they get home and she just wants to talk, wants to "natter on" about all the minutiae that happened to her that day. For his part, he just wants to unwind and relax now that he's home and he can't do that when she's talking to him incessantly. He's trying to unwind by being quiet, and she won't let him. He's getting resentful that she's not respecting his needs, and she's getting angry that she's being 'ignored' and feels unheard, feels as if what she has to share is unimportant. Compound this by years and you get some ugliness -- needless ugliness.
This is a typical Hunter/Gatherer conflict of needs, and yet easily worked with IF recognized. From within this paradigm, our house now has a new language which is being implemented as a result of this observation. It's very simple. Here's the scenario -- we've been apart doing whatever we need to do for the day (work, school, etc) and now are meeting up in the evening.
"Honey, I am dying to empty my basket. It'll take maybe X minutes. Is now a good time?" I am fully prepared for a no answer, and that's fine. Why? Because I know that he may very well need to do his thing first, so that he's not distracted by work worries and thus can't pay attention to me. It also lets him know that I need his attention, but am asking for it when he’s emotionally available to give it to me.
"I need to get out of 'kill the deer' mode so that I can be fully at home. It'll take me about Y minutes. After that, I can listen to you for as long as you need." Here's the key thing that many women might have a hard time with - leave him ALONE during this. That's very important! Since I know that for me, feeling as if my basket of goodies is important enough to warrant his attention is essential to me, then I'm perfectly happy to give him the time that he needs to actually have the energy to listen. If I interupt him, the process has to start again. Deny the temptation to peek in and say "are you done yet?" and you'll discover (as I did) that he'll come find you when he's ready to be with you. In the end, we both get what we need but in a manner that respects each other’s basic nature.
- Lioness (in training)
wisdom! thank you for sharing
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